Day 1897: The last shadow...ing.

Oh hi. This is way belated.

However. I wanted to talk about my last shadowing session.

As a review, the mentor that my medical assigned me is an ophthalmologist. It was the usual shadowing session -- lots of wet/dry macular degeneration (macular degeneration is when the center part of your vision (where you see most everything) begins to deteriorate. The difference between wet and dry is, wet means you develop new blood vessels in that area which hurts your vision more. With dry macular degeneration, that means you are developing things under a layer of cells and the only thing to do with dry macular degeneration is to prevent it from becoming "wet"). However, there were some cool interesting cases but all in all, a pretty standard day.

My mentor and I chit-chatted at the end of the session and she asked if she had convinced me to go into ophthalmology. I told her I find it interesting and her lifestyle seems like a good deal but I was still unsure. Then she asked about my summer plans and I told her about an upcoming family vacation (I know, I know, I haven't told any of you about it yet), a possible externship I am applying for (basically a paid internship away from my medical school) and anything not research related. She was very nice and supportive but told me that if I did ever get truly interested in ophthalmology, I should do research. "Ophthalmology is a competitive field and it will give you an edge."

... uh... thanks? Can someone explain to me, how is it that if 100 (out of 200) of my peers are doing research, that me doing research will somehow give me an edge? Either way, I have my post-undergrad research and if anything ever comes of it (hard to say if a paper with my name will ever arise, to be frank), then all the power to me. If not, I'm going to be a doctor either way so I'm not terribly worried about whether or not I have research on my resume/CV.

Day 1895: A crazy Cinco de Mayo thus far

Hey all, I volunteered at Saturday Free Clinic today. And let me tell you, was it a day or what?

Long story short, I saw some very interesting patients today. I'm not sure how much detail I can get into without getting myself in a lot of trouble, so let me say this.

My first patient was intersexed, and my second patient had a whole string of issues (diabetes being one of them) and was just trying to see if all his/her medications were a) necessary and b) more affordable.

I wish this post could be more interesting, but I feel like the previous paragraph set up an idea for how crazy my day was.

And happy Cinco de Mayo (aka fake American-made holiday for Mexico/Mexicans) but a definite happy birthday to my pal M (who doesn't actually read this blog but it's fun to shout out birthdays, non?)

Day 1891: Happy May Day!

Hola todos! Today was the day of my Medical Spanish final. The final is comprised of conducting a medical interview, in Spanish. People. I have enough trouble conducting a medical interview in English (and remembering all the questions to ask). In what universe do you think I can perform one in Spanish?!

Luckily, they were swell peeps and they told us the six possible cases we would encounter:

1. Back pain / el dolor de la espalda
2. Hypertension / la hipertensión
3. Depression / la depresión
4. Abdominal pain / el dolor del abdomen
5. Asthma / el asma
6. Diabetes / la diabetes

My main preparatory concern was vocabulary. Luckily, they allowed us to bring in a 3x5 index card with whatever we wanted. I ended up being lazy and not even bringing a card. It worked out because I got a fairly easy case -- asthma! I think my unnecessary stress about this actually showed me two things. 1) They prepared us pretty darn well for this final. We had already gone over a lot of it in the previous four weeks of classes. 2) I stress out about things I don't need to stress out about. El caso de asma fue facil!

Oh, before I forget, the final also involved food! Delicious, delicious food of Spanish-speaking countries! Tamales! Corn tortillas with pork/chicken and guacamole and salsa and all the accoutrements! Churros! There was so much food (and of course I ate so much) that they sent us home with some. Way more for me than anyone else! (See below.) Food and a final. You know, I would be much more okay with final exams if there was food involved :)

Yes, that is an entire package of tamales I get to take home!

Day 1890: On yoga

My friend Jess is currently down south (that's what we Californians call southern California) undergoing bikram yoga teacher training. I read this post of hers and was really moved (that sounds way cheesier than I mean for it to) by this phrase:

"Life does not give you ideal conditions.

You have to find the peace regardless."

I feel like I don't talk about peace enough. I mean first of all, the six of you reading this are either family or close friends so I rarely find the need to explain myself/talk about feelings. Secondly, I hate feelings. So, that pretty much covers why I rarely talk about anything remotely personal (that doesn't have to do with me crying in a ball in the corner of my bed after another painful exam week). However, I really wanted to post on this because I feel like that statement has never rung more true for me. (Could I be any more touchy feely?)

My recent decision to try to do more yoga (until about 2-3 weeks ago, the amount of yoga I had done was a big fat donut (ZERO)) has really helped...what's the word I'm looking for...center? Calm? Soothe? Assuage? ..."something" me. Here's a better way to describe it.

Photo courtesy of a Google search (Warrior Two).

While doing yoga in my room two weeks ago, I was in Warrior Two, staring beyond my middle finger, focusing on my breathing, maintaining my balance, maintaining my arms and legs, when physiology entered my mind. This previous block was about the respiratory system (breathing, lungs, etc) and as I was focusing on my breathing (in. out.), I couldn't help but start thinking about breathing. Ventilation and perfusion ratios. Oxygen-hemoglobin dissociation curves. Other boring science stuff. And at some point, it just went away. I can't remember if I willed it away or if it just faded away, but at some point, I was able (for at least five minutes) to just breathe.

And it was a glorious moment of respiration. After that day's practice (oh my gosh, shut up Jessica. You're not a yogi, you just do yoga), I felt really rejuvenated. If I had to put it into words, I would have to say that, finding my way back to yoga has in a very strange way helped me find a way back to believing in myself. I guarantee that a large part of my success this last block was because I reverted to my old "fake it 'til you make it" ways. This entire time I kept saying I was great, when I didn't fully believe it, and I suppose (again, in some very strange way) yoga helped me remember that I am actually great. (Tone down the modesty there Jess)

Okay okay, enough storytelling. The point of this entire post was that Jess' statement of life being un-ideal and having to find peace in the middle of chaos is an absolutely perfect description of where I am right now. My life as a first year medical student has really pushed me in ways I didn't think I could be pushed. I haven't felt this doubtful of myself in many moons so to be here again is...confounding. Uncomfortable. And very much unwanted. However, the silver lining of all of this is that, finally, in block 7 (out of 8 for the academic year), I found a way to be confident again.

Day 1888: Florence + the Machine

An absolutely amazing experience!

I should let you all know, because Danny's middle name is "vain," he took most of these pictures. Apparently him being 5'9" is most evident at standing-room-only concerts when I am this tall and he is obviously way taller.

Also, what I love about this show was, I got to hear Flo speak. She has this very timid, quiet, almost shy voice. And then she sings. And then you get completely bowled over by the sheer power and magnitude of her voice and stage presence. AMAZING NIGHT!

Pre-concert! Danny forgot my (new) camera flashes twice.
Hence his confused eyes position.

Danny was amazing! He lifted me on his shoulders so that I could be raised up, as the song "Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up)" (and Florence for that matter) tells you to do!

During "Dog Days Are Over"

Day 1885: On exercise

If you know my father, then you will know that one of the main things he stresses to me is that I exercise. He says it will help me relax and help clear my mind and other things that med students probably need. Well, he's right. I make it a regular habit to exercise at least half-an-hour each day and it makes such a huge difference to my focus and just my body in general.

Because, here it goes...out loud...in the strangest of all cases, I have managed to lose weight since moving to Wisconsin. I mean, let's be real here people. Who loses weight when they move to the land of cows and cheese? Apparently this girl. And it should be known that I eat more burgers, fries, cheese and other not-so-good-for-you things than I ever have before. Granted, that's also petered with oatmeal, salads, and sauteed-vegetable-and-egg concoctions so I guess there's some rub with your...whatever the saying is involving "there's the rub."

I was talking to Danny about it and he thought that perhaps my weight loss was due to the fact that in a world of information-overload, where I am learning absurd amounts of information every day, taking the 30 minutes to exercise is the one thing I can control. So, as the control freak I am, I do. I do yoga. Or I run. Or I do some Nike Training Club workout (perky butt! Abs! Toned arms!). Basically, carving out an hour (tops) to work out is something that I make sure I do because in all of this information overload, exercise is the one time that I actually cannot think about science. And granted, that's only semi-true because on my run yesterday I was thinking about how once I hit about 50% of my maximum oxygen consumption, my heart beats faster (instead of just increasing stroke volume aka increasing the amount of blood that flows to my body) to get O2 to my body. But anyway, that's neither here nor there.

Don't worry everyone. I'm sure once this post goes live, I will officially start gaining all my weight back. Oh goody. Just in time for summer! Pools! Bikinis! Sun! Oh my!

Day 1884: No title at hand.

As stated, I just felt like blogging, but there isn't much to blog about. I rocked my cell tissue exam out and directly afterwards called my father, mother and sister (in that order) to gossip about how smart I am. Isn't this such a nice change? Confident Jess instead of doubtful/scared/dumb Jess?

Anyway, I had such a relaxing weekend. I cleaned (which was sheer bliss), I shopped (mainly for other people, but that's nice too!), I hung out. It was so nice to just be, instead of freaking out about the impending block because I need to do well. I had all this vigor coming into this week and for some strange reason, it didn't translate well to Monday. I went to bed late Sunday night and then woke up at 8:45 and then come 2-o'-clock in the afternoon, I fell asleep for four hours on my couch while attempting to read neuroscience. Luckily, I went to bed at midnight last night and woke up at 7:45 this morning to go for a run and it's been a decently productive day thusfar.

This is a bit of a boring everyday post, but at least it's a post, right?