Day 1915: The end!

EVERYONE! I'M DONE!

I am abso-frickin-lutely stoked for the end of this year. The exam was longer than the 1000m run, but I finished. Thank baby Ganesh. Exam results will be up soon so expect some news on that.

I thought, since I finally have time, I would write a substantial post about this year. So here it goes.

This year has brought me a lot of ups and downs. With the first down being two days after moving to Milwaukee, where I bawled to my mother and Danny that I couldn't find a way to get my newly purchased queen bed to my actual apartment building. Then there were the many cries of biochemistry. Then my poor (and I mean poor) exam scores in the first block of semester two. Lots of downs, that seemed to out-measure the ups -- my first boyfriend! (He's swell.) Meeting some really great people who will probably be in my life forever. My own life here in Milwaukee. All in all though, this year is summed up in three words, "I did it." But not without a lot of self-examination, hard work, and tears galore.

Up until about two months ago, my entire academic year had been a bit of a wash. What I mean is, I kind of just pitter-pattered along, getting passing grades, because honestly, P = MD. Then, when the P was not coming as easily, and I was truly in trouble, I was scared. Out of my mind. Europe was booked at the end of spring break/mid-March. I was honestly so unsure about my academic status that I feared I wouldn't be able to go on, much less enjoy, the trip because I might have to remediate a course. That's how serious things were. I'm not sure how it happened, or who helped me get there (definitely the family and the beau), but I just have to thank each and every one of you (dear readers) for being here for me.

I know I don't talk in depth about the bad stuff that happens to me, but it should be known that this year was a struggle. I always knew (somewhere, at least for biochem) that I would be okay. I managed to pass biochem (I got a 70.1 and the cut-off for a C/Pass was a 70. Very close, I know.) and I just thought that this semester would be better/more interesting/etc. And it was better and more interesting, but with all of that came a lot more information and a lot more work. Work that I just wasn't truly willing to put the time in to.

I keep saying "if I had just figured this out, I could have been doing well all along," but Danny (and I know I just posted about this) really brought up a great point. My failure was the only thing that could have enough power to drive me to do well. And not well, but really-freaking-good well.

To end this long post, I want to tell you all a big secret. I came into this MD program with the attitude of "well, why not?" I thought, I could be a doctor (I mean, I'm in the program, am I not?), but I never actually considered I would. Does that make sense? I say a lot, "IF I'm a doctor, IF I make it through" and my neighbor is actually the one who put it best, "no way girl. You're in it already. You are going to BE a doctor."And you know what? He's right. I will be a doctor.

Day 1890: On yoga

My friend Jess is currently down south (that's what we Californians call southern California) undergoing bikram yoga teacher training. I read this post of hers and was really moved (that sounds way cheesier than I mean for it to) by this phrase:

"Life does not give you ideal conditions.

You have to find the peace regardless."

I feel like I don't talk about peace enough. I mean first of all, the six of you reading this are either family or close friends so I rarely find the need to explain myself/talk about feelings. Secondly, I hate feelings. So, that pretty much covers why I rarely talk about anything remotely personal (that doesn't have to do with me crying in a ball in the corner of my bed after another painful exam week). However, I really wanted to post on this because I feel like that statement has never rung more true for me. (Could I be any more touchy feely?)

My recent decision to try to do more yoga (until about 2-3 weeks ago, the amount of yoga I had done was a big fat donut (ZERO)) has really helped...what's the word I'm looking for...center? Calm? Soothe? Assuage? ..."something" me. Here's a better way to describe it.

Photo courtesy of a Google search (Warrior Two).

While doing yoga in my room two weeks ago, I was in Warrior Two, staring beyond my middle finger, focusing on my breathing, maintaining my balance, maintaining my arms and legs, when physiology entered my mind. This previous block was about the respiratory system (breathing, lungs, etc) and as I was focusing on my breathing (in. out.), I couldn't help but start thinking about breathing. Ventilation and perfusion ratios. Oxygen-hemoglobin dissociation curves. Other boring science stuff. And at some point, it just went away. I can't remember if I willed it away or if it just faded away, but at some point, I was able (for at least five minutes) to just breathe.

And it was a glorious moment of respiration. After that day's practice (oh my gosh, shut up Jessica. You're not a yogi, you just do yoga), I felt really rejuvenated. If I had to put it into words, I would have to say that, finding my way back to yoga has in a very strange way helped me find a way back to believing in myself. I guarantee that a large part of my success this last block was because I reverted to my old "fake it 'til you make it" ways. This entire time I kept saying I was great, when I didn't fully believe it, and I suppose (again, in some very strange way) yoga helped me remember that I am actually great. (Tone down the modesty there Jess)

Okay okay, enough storytelling. The point of this entire post was that Jess' statement of life being un-ideal and having to find peace in the middle of chaos is an absolutely perfect description of where I am right now. My life as a first year medical student has really pushed me in ways I didn't think I could be pushed. I haven't felt this doubtful of myself in many moons so to be here again is...confounding. Uncomfortable. And very much unwanted. However, the silver lining of all of this is that, finally, in block 7 (out of 8 for the academic year), I found a way to be confident again.

Day 1361: Drastic changes II

Why hello again.

Three substantial posts in a row? My word, what is becoming of me. Anyway, what I am about to tell you is a wee bit complicated but I will do my best to use my broadcast journalism skills to break it down for you. (I may include charts/diagrams/if I can get it together.)

Next year, my medical school is implementing a new program for all of its incoming students. Since this new program has been in the works for x amount of years, next year's class has its curriculum completely in place (aka no changes will be made to their curriculum, end of story). As a result, my class will suffer.

(How will you suffer Jess?)

Well, thank you for asking. Next year, the most important classes are pathology (how and why the body gets sick/unwell) and pharmacology (what drugs we give you to make you better). These two, in addition to this year's physiology, are the three most tested subjects on my board exams. The normal program is as follows:

• Pathology: taken both fall and spring semesters (the entire academic year)
• Pharmacology: taken in the spring semester, with a cumulative exam -- which keeps all the material fresh before we take our boards in the summer

What they are doing next year is: having the first years take some pharmacology in the spring, which means we have no professors to teach the second years (me!) pharmacology. The things people have suggested as ways to compensate are not great, and what it basically means (no matter the solution they choose) is that I will not have pharmacology fresh in my mind by June/July (when I will take my board exams). I will have to review physiology and pharmacology, instead of just physiology. I am unhappy about this, as I am sure you can imagine. There isn't anything I can really do since the academic deans have expressed that there is no way they will change the first-year-students'-curriculum.

Oy. Like I wasn't already screwed for boards anyway. Thank you my darling little medical school for making it even harder for me.

Day 1360: Drastic changes I

Hello hello.

In comparison to my fairly regular daily posts of January, I am obviously way off the mark for February. Nevertheless, I am realizing that perhaps substance over quantity is important. But who doesn't like picture posts? They break up the monotony of text text text.

Anyway, as I described last week, my performance on exams last week was poor. It made me very unhappy and honestly made me doubt myself more than necessary. I worried I didn't belong in medical school and I could not figure out for the life of me what I was doing wrong.

Well. Let me tell you something. I went to bed very early Sunday night, due to a headache and general lack of sleep the previous week. I woke up at 6:45am to attend class. Whoa. Apparently, when you sleep well, you not only stay awake through four hours of nonstop class, but you actually learn something. Monday was a very eye-opening day for me. I have been to lecture every day (well, except yesterday but I had a good reason for skipping, promise; AND I even watched last year's lectures early to make up for the lectures I would be missing yesterday) and it has been surprising how a) easy it is to wake up early, b) how much I listen and learn in class, and c) how much more professors get to know me (which I know will make my mother tres happy).

Overall, I feel like this new strategy will give me the support/boost I need to reaffirm my place here. Struggles are a part of life and I need to remember I can not only overcome this, but I will dominate it.

Day 1353: Deserved suffering

Okay, so I know some people will yell at me for blogging at all this week. But I have to get this out.

I have had two exams so far this week. The first one was okay (but I still did poorly) and the physiology exam yesterday was awful. A pie full of 'aw', awful. While walking to one of the hospital cafeterias this morning at 4:17am (I am not kidding), I realized something. I have been coasting in medical school. I sit on the internet half the day perusing fashion blogs, following pop culture, sometimes-shopping-sometimes-not, looking at stocks to invest in, and anything else that involves procrastinating. I think I have been waiting for medical school to get easy. Or interesting. It is certainly not getting any easier and I am discovering that my interest is in the big picture of medicine and not the teeny-tiny details these people are obsessed with. But. I realized I can't play by my rules, I have to play by theirs (and by theirs I mean all of medical school, everywhere).

So. Because I royally screwed up this week (don't worry mom and dad, it's nothing I can't fix. This is something very fixable), I am earning my A on my cell tissue biology test tomorrow. I stayed at school last night. I think I fell asleep from 1am to ...3:45? in a little chair in one of the 24-hour-study-rooms. I'm not actually sure when I woke up. I wasn't planning on staying so I have no food with me, hence the cafeteria run at 4:17am (which, by the way, they were closed! The ONE hour they are closed and, of course, I walk the five minutes to get there. I went back at 5:17am to eat an omelet and toast. HEAVEN.)

I am going to finish learning the other half of lectures by 7:30am (even with this blog post). I am going to finish learning everything by 11am note: I will finish everything by...12:30ish. I fell asleep. Which is probably good since I was doing this:

Courtesy of a Google search.
In case it doesn't animate, click on the image to see what I was doing.

It's okay. I am feeling good so far. The plan is still the same for the rest of the day--review, I am going to review all freaking day...realistically until 3 or 4pm. Which is when I will go to the gym, finally go home, pay my rent, shower, and actually feel prepared for the exam tomorrow.

I am very upset that this week has not gone how I want. However, if anything is to be gained from this sh!t show, it is that I made these mistakes early this semester so that I still have three more blocks/exams to bring everything back to where it needs it be and to feel like I may finally have a handle on medical school.