Day 2270: Sick, dying, and thank you

Hey all,

The quickest post to tell you I am sick. For the third time this year! Apparently it's true, when you are stressed out, you get sick much faster. I am never ever sick. And now I am on icky-feeling-number-three for the year 2013.

I am dying of stress. Not my sickness. My whatever-this-is involves a lot of clogged noses and nose-blowing and somewhat phlegm-y feeling throat. My cumulative final for pathology is on May 9th (!!!) and then my final exam of microbiology is on May 13th. Luckily micro is not cumulative, but still. I'm not terribly stressed about either exam, so much as busy going over the material (the previous seven blocks of path) and learning the new stuff (dermatology, breast, thyroid, etc). The true stress comes from the fact that my board exams are a little more than 5 or 6 weeks away! I'm still on the fence about moving my test date up, but everyone and their mother's brother's niece's dog says that I will either burn out by my current test date (June 17th) or stress myself out so much in that time (aka Jessica will become bald like Homer Simpson -- with three lone strands of hair left), so we'll see.

How sad is my life? I am straight-up excited for finals to be over, not because I have finished another somewhat-hellish year and am heading in to the hospital (!!), but rather my excitement is due to the fact that I can finally dedicate my desired 10-12 hours a day of solely boards studying. Very sad Jessica. Pitiful actually.

Thank you all for your texts and care packages (BEL-C)! I feel so lucky to have people who love and care about me so much. Especially when I have essentially turned my back on everyone to get through the last 5 weeks of pure hell. Thank you. From the bottom of my cold, dead heart. My heart will beat again soon and I will be the friend each of you so deserve.

There might be radio silence until then so I wanted to end it on a positive note. Honestly and truly. Thank you all.

Day 2245: Ready for the end

Hey everyone,

Just a quick quick quick update to tell you...

1. My pathology exam last Thursday (April 4th) went fine. I would have liked a better grade but when questions are phrased as such: "A 32-year-old woman comes in to your clinic with infertility issues. You do an extensive workup that comes back essentially negative. What is the MOST LIKELY diagnosis?" ...You pretty much do an eenie-meenie-miney-moe situation and hope for the best. I blame the lecturers because you know I knew my urology stuff (kidneys, bladders, genitalia).
2. My micro exam is tomorrow morning at 7-bloody-45 in the morning. Look, I know a number of you get up that early or have to be at work at that time. However, how many of you are asked to take a freaking 60 question exam? Therein lies the terrible terrible rub.
3. Can you believe it's already April 9th?! My M2 year is over on May 13th and then it's boardsboardsboards. I can't wait! Not for boards (well, I certainly cannot wait for boards to be over) but rather, I can't wait to stop learning new stuff. I want to "know" everything already so that I can review review review. I'm working on building myself up these next two months to remind myself that I have made it this far and I am my only obstacle for not doing well on boards. And let me tell you, I truly love the idea of being a urologist so I'm going to get passed this fear/self-doubt/whatever BS this is!
4. Have you noticed my love of typing words out in threes today? Hmm, I wonder what that means.

Okay, off to keep all my bacteria straight before bed!

Day 2198: Exam results & urology shadowing

Hey there.

Psych on Tuesday was somewhat of a complete hydrogen bomb of badness. I went in, made a bunch of educated guesses, and when my score popped up after the exam, I swear to you, I had to hold in a yelp of disbelief. I have no idea where I went so wrong. ...let me back up. I only studied the 7 lectures of psych on Monday since I had more important things to study for (neuro pathology on Wednesday). So, my grade is completely justified. However, that score stressed me out beyond belief. It also pissed me off to no end. Therefore, I used those two emotions to study my butt off for neuro-path the next day.

The next day, Wednesday, 9 am, neuro-path. For those of you that have memories like elephants, neuroscience was a subject I took last spring semester (aka this time last year). I failed my first exam. It was pretty debilitating and it was probably the umpteenth time my sister/mother heard me bawl on the phone about my apparent lack of intelligence and self-defeating doubt concerning my place in medical school. Well, I got my act extremely together that semester and ended neuroscience with a solid pass. Back to pathology, that test was a mind-swirl. I was between 2-3 answers (out of 5) on about 15 questions. I thought it out, wrote a bunch of stuff out and made educated guesses. Since we all saw how well that turned out on psych the previous day, you can imagine my stress levels going through the roof. Well, I got a 92 on that exam.

I should be cheering. Instead, I am blogging, trying to figure out why I can't revel in that obvious win. Did psych really screw with my mind that bad that I can't even believe in my abilities? I have been so screwed up the past few weeks. Family life is stressful. (Apparently both of my parents think all I do is nothing but have tons of fun, and they chastize me for it. If only I could physically demonstrate and properly verbalize the amount I study/my stress levels to them. Then maybe they would leave me the hell alone, or I don't know, believe in me.) My sister is the only sane one left. I am constantly, overwhelmingly stressed out by the prospect of boards every waking second. I have a lot on my mind all the time and I have a lot of negative energy and bad ju-ju I need to let go of. I want to do urology so bad. I have never wanted anything more in my entire life.

Speaking of urology, I shadowed the residency director here at school after my exam and it was jaw-droppingly amazing. He created a new bladder. Ta-da! The patient had bladder cancer so the cancer doc took out the bladder, and the urology doc created a new one from the small intestine. Then he inserted the ureters and urethra and ta-da, a new bladder was born. It felt a lot of sewing/seamstress-ing which we all know I do a lot of. It was so freaking cool. I nearly fell off my step-stool at how much fun it was, and I was only watching. Can you tell I am in love with this specialty? (I know, I know, I owe you all a "why urology?" post. Coming soon. I promise/hope.)

Hopefully this post compensates for my utter lack of posting in February thus far. I keep promising pictures, but I truly promise that my next post will be pictures. There is nothing I hate more than broken promises.

Day 2168: Tests and tracks

I got B4! Here is my schedule for next year:

• July 1 - August 15: Obstetrics/Gynecology
• August 16 - September 30: Psychiatry/Neurology
• October 1 - October 31: RPM (anesthesiology, emergency medicine)
• November 1 - November 30: Family medicine
• December 1 - December 23: Vacation/Elective (hopefully urology!)
• January 2 - February 28: Internal medicine
• March 1 - April 30: Surgery
• May 1 - June 30: Pediatrics

My pathology exam was awful. Everyone thought the test was infinitely harder than it should have been and this is why I hate med school exams. They test you on the most minute crap that is not covered on our board exams. Why would I bother learning it if I won't retain it a) anyway and b) for the actual exam that matters? Ugh. I didn't do horribly on the test. I would have liked to do better but seeing as how I could have failed (it was that hard), I'm pretty happy with my grade.

Anyhoo, I'm at research right now. Chatting with my boss about the direction of healthcare, talking about his stint on TV (telling people how to avoid frostbite) and chatting with the research assistants. I enrolled more patients today so that's exciting! Getting people for our study and using mi español.

Day 2125: The strangest day.

Okay. Before I finally get in to my clinical exam and reasoning (CER) studying, I must tell you about my day.

9am: Exam. Ooph. I did okay, which is to be expected. I kind of let pathology go to the wind this block mainly because I am scared sh!tless for my cumulative pharm final on Thursday (so soon).

11am: I go to Sephora to pick something up for my sister and the item they said they had in stock was not actually in stock. Lame. It's fine. I did this to my nails while I was there. (This = painted them different shades of blue. Then I came home and painted the bases gold. Eureka.)

12:30pm: My friend CM decided to make fudge on a whim. It was delicious and she was kind enough to send me some so that a) we could be little fudgester-pudgesters together and b) she was sending me a sweet little exam-week gift. Well. This is what I received in the mail.

Instead of fudge, I got a paperback 2012 Annotated Brothers Grimm. I sent CM a text (being confused about the package and sending her a picture of the book) asking her if I was missing something, and you better believe that girl was pissed. Where is the fudge? See those green stickers? Someone opened my box, took my plastic containers filled with fudge, put this book in, and sealed it with stickers. What? What?? WHAT??? She is Type A (like me!) so she called USPS Customer Service and let them know what happened. The USPS Customer Service woman said she had never heard something like that happening. WHAT???? Where. Is. My. FUDGE?!

12:40pm: I open an unknown package to discover this!

Danny bought me these coral pillow covers that I have been lusting because I desperately need some more colorful pillows to make my boring mauve-gray couch more exciting. I LOVE THEM. (I have been making strange grunting sounds of joy whenever I see them haha)

4:30pm: Where has the day gone? I think I studied. It's hard to say.

5:00pm: I dropped my phone (what's new?) and the speakers freaked out. All the sound coming out of it was garbled, like it was underwater. Then, after a few shake-shake-shakes, it was fixed! I kissed my phone so hard to thank it for believing in me and staying alive!

Until Now: I finally got focused and unafraid to tackle the large, large amounts of pharmacology I have to learn/relearn/refamiliarize myself with by Thursday.

Now: it's time to actually learn my stupid CER bull-malarkey.

Day 2116: The countdown begins

I feel like this post title will be recycled. I will have lots of countdowns in the next six months, this being the first one -- the countdown to finals/winter break. In the next 13 days, I will have completed my first semester of my second year. I have a pathology exam, CER (Clinical Exam and Reasoning) exam and the dreaded cumulative pharmacology final. At this point, I am taking a much needed study break to blog. Exciting. I know. I am amidst learning the last 100-or-so drugs for Block 4 and then I have about 10 days to review the previous 400 drugs. No big deal. (INTERNAL FREAK OUT IMMINENT.)

PS, my eye has been twitching non-stop for two hours since this post. I need to de-stress/calm down.

Day 2097: Life moves on with some good news.

Today, I felt very ready for my pharmacology exam. Granted, there were still about 7-points-worth of things (out of 50.5) I wasn't 100% on, but the amount of information you have to learn for this class (in three weeks, no less, for his horrific block) is just too much to ask for. So. I felt good overall! Let's see if the exam score reflects that.

Also! The pathology department secretary-helper-lady emailed us today to tell us that two of the answers were mismarked on the exam so I, at least, got two points back! Excellent! My current score is a closer match to what I wanted! :)

I also bought this sweater (for $15!) as a little treat for myself. Yay!

In about an hour (at 5pm), I will be shadowing a doctor I work with (for my research, oh my gosh! I haven't told you about my research! Future blog post in the making) in the pediatric emergency department. It's actually perfect this way. I don't have any TV to watch until later tonight and even though I would rather be sewing/hemming/tailoring, I'm still glad to be learning a little something (and working with a really fun(ny) guy).

No word from the Popsicles since he left for Taiwan Friday night. My Mom and sister leave on Wednesday and then I will be the only one of our foursome here in the States. The lone cheese.

Day 2093: Good-bye Apo.

There is no good way to say this. My father's mother (my paternal grandmother) died today. My sister called to tell me. My parents are so concerned with my school(ing) that they didn't tell me (not right away anyway) until later/I called them.

My dad is en route to tomorrow/Taiwan Friday night and my sister and mother will be following him next Wednesday. I will be here. In the US. Learning, studying, doctor-things. (I have my path exam on Friday and my pharm exam on Monday).

To be honest, I'm fine. She lived in Taiwan my entire life so I only met her a handful of times. On top of that, we never spoke the same language (she speaks a village dialect and I definitely do not). This doesn't mean I am not sad, on my behalf or my father's behalf, but it's a blunted form of sadness. Also, my grandmother was getting pretty on in age and she had more than a few health setbacks in the past decade, so, it was (and obviously is) her time. She died in her sleep, which is the most that anyone can ask for.

Day 2072: This is what I did today.

Painted my nails for my friend's wedding on Saturday.

Wrote every drug (from memory) required for tomorrow's exam.
Some of these pages are double-sided. Welcome to hell med school.

Day 2069: Broken hearts

Hello. I just took my cardiac pathology exam. Ooph. It was okay...at the very best.

This craptastic professor is so detail-oriented! Details would be one thing, but I can tell you, after this exam, I know nothing about cardiac pathology. This woman teaches so poorly, I honestly didn't learn a single thing. I memorized a bunch of crap (lot of good that did me) and it's about to fly out of my brain so that I can study for my ethics exam tomorrow and the big kahuna of an exam (also known as block 2 of pharmacology) on Friday.

I'll be happy passing, because honestly, I have bigger fish to fry...like my 175+ drugs in pharmacology.

Wish me luck!

Edit [12:26pm]: Interim test scores are up. A pass. Okay. I'll take it.

Day 2066: Exam preparations

Hi all! I want to forewarn you that exams are next week so expect minimal(er) blogging. Then, Danny and I are attending a wedding that weekend so expect fun pictures in about 10 days!

Pharmacology is a gigantic b!tch. I am focusing on pathology because that is my first exam but I need to be reviewing pharm everyday (which I haven't in the past two days) and I am SO stressed. I am not a big drinker, but the open bar at my friend's wedding looks like a grand ol' prize, whether I kick the exam's ass (which I will) or it kicks mine (unlikely).

Back to obstructive congenital heart diseases...

Day 2024: The waiting begins...

Okay. So. Okay.

Pharmacology exams are all short answer or fill in the blank. This is the perfect test taking method for me. No multiple choice confusion. Just me. And yet, perhaps because it was the first exam, I still managed to make stupid mistakes. Since the exam is fill in the blank, it will take the professors roughly one week for them to return our exams to us. Despite how absurdly well-prepared I was, I am just hoping to pass. What I really wanted was a solid A or even a B, but right now, I just want to see how I did so I know what to do for the next exam.

Anyway, with pharm over, I have three days to study for pathology on Friday. Then, I will buy myself a couch this weekend. If that isn't retail therapy at its finest, I am not sure what is.

Day 1907: Two down, two to go.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jessica is two exams away from finishing her first year of medical school. !!!

My medical interview final was not what I heard it would be, but was totally fine. Hypertension and a 3-generation family history. Done-zo.

Today was my last exam for Cell & Tissue Biology (CTB). You should know, I absolutely annihilated it. 91 on the lab exam and 96 on the lecture exam.  I have to say, this class was actually pretty easy, which explains it's 78% pass score. (A "B" is an 85.5%!) I wish I had my act together in block 1 of this semester because this entire semester has been me working my butt off to compensate for my crappy first exam scores. I could have done really well (in this class) this semester!

Oh well. As Danny likes to point out, I got my act together pretty late in the game, but at least I got it together. And! Knowing what I need to succeed will mean that I will succeed next year.

Here are some fun pictures from my day:

Look what my sister sent me! A frame and self-made bracelets!

This was my reward. There is cheese inside the burger!

Okay kids, I've got to start studying neuro. The CTB exam ended at 11 and I've been doing random things since (getting clothes hemmed, making food, getting my laundry together, cleaning, tidying) so this is the last of my procrastination!

Until next time!

Day 1381: Quick update

Sorry for falling off the face of the earth. Attending lecture and studying takes a lot out of a girl!

I have shadowed my mentor (an opthamologist) twice. Look out for an entry about that in the next two weeks. I have exams coming up. Cell tissue biology tomorrow, neuroscience on Monday and then physiology on Thursday.

After that, I will be heading on a little weekend trip with some school friends. Then some sister time in southern California. Followed by some much needed family-and-friend time back home in the Bay Area.

Oh. I also have a pimple inside my right nostril that hurts like nobody's business.

(It's good to know I'm still random and medical school hasn't made me too boring just yet.)

Day 1340: Someone you love

As we all expected, I could not keep up "a photo a day" for the month of January. I am not thwarted though! I am going to post pictures that come more naturally. So, for today's picture, I present to you:

Viktor Stumblebum, someone I love.

He has a very sexy pose, I know. He loves me too apparently, haha

With exams coming up, I really still am not freaked out. I'm sure I will after the first exam but I am just going to do the best I can and know that I gave it everything I had.

Day 1277: So many obstacles to home

I leave for beautiful California on Tuesday. I am SO close! And yet, I have to take an anatomy lab practical on Monday and then I have my half-human-development-half-anatomy written exam Tuesday morning. WHY MUST MY BRAIN BE ON CONSTANT OVERDRIVE?

For future reference: I want to make this blog a) more fun (it might be time to post pictures about my life since my lack of Facebook bothers some people), b) more science-for-normal-people (to break down what I'm learning for you all since it's fun to learn things).

Day 1267: Why is school so hard?

Look. I knew everything there was to know about complex lipids, cholesterol synthesis, cholesterol transport, steroid metabolism, amino acid synthesis and degradation, metabolic syndrome, amino acid genetic defects, urea cycle, and heme metabolism and catabolism. EVERYTHING. And yet, that (biochemistry) exam was still harder than I expected. It was significantly better than the first exam but there were a lot of questions where I narrowed it down to two answers and had to choose. In the end, I need to get things right. Who cares if you have the right answer and the wrong answer as options? If you choose the wrong answer, you still got it wrong.

The exam answers are posted later today. Fingers crossed for right answers!

Day 1264: Studying and cholesterol

Hello. My name is Jessica. I have a biochemistry exam on Tuesday. I am taking a short break from studying to tell you how much school sucks. For those of you wondering how I am faring lately, I hope every post since August 15th has expressed how dastardly medical school is. It is mind-boggling, soul-crushing and generally not fun. There is way too much detail requested of me. I am, of course, learning it, because I, of course, need to pass so that I may, of course, actually become a doctor. Don't go to medical school. Do something else that will make you the same amount of money (let's be real, doctors make some decent cash) without lives at stake! Lives that are not your own!

Okay, enough boring school talk. Onto more fun science talk.

I want to talk to you about Lipitor.

My dad (hi Dad!) takes Lipitor. Lipitor is a statin. A statin is a thing (very scientific term, I know) that blocks an enzyme (called HMG-CoA reductase). When HMG-CoA reductase is blocked, the rest of the reaction (cholesterol synthesis) no longer occurs. Therefore, to make this painfully simple, Lipitor prevents your body from producing more cholesterol, which is why Lipitor/statins are prescribed to those getting on in years to lower their cholesterol.

While studying with a friend yesterday, we were talking about how doctors today probably know this much about Lipitor. What we know is infinitely more detail than that. I can tell you what steps afterwards are no longer occurring and I can tell you why statins are useful but may not be necessary for every human being on the face of the planet over the age of 50. So, what I'm trying to say is, I know more about cholesterol right now than a practicing MD does! Ha! I am smart! (...for about a day. That will pass. Wait for it.)

So as to make you feel as smart as me (which won't be very hard since my intelligence level is on the same level as that of a peanut), I want to tell you about cholesterol.

Cholesterol is necessary in all of your cell membranes. All this means is, in order for them to not be rocks tumbling all over each other, we have cholesterol in our membranes to make it more fluid...more like a bunch of water balloons together in a bucket. The cholesterol levels that doctors freak out about are LDL (Low Density Lipoproteins).

The main reason this is bad is if this stuff circulates in your blood too long (aka too much LDL floating around), it starts to deposit things into your blood vessels (aka arteries) and they start to form plaques (mainly a pretty science word for "road blockage" or "things that shouldn't be piling up"). Plaques are bad. Just like a pot hole (except invert that (so that it's popping up like a hill and less like a hole, so "pot hill" is better) and that's what you have in your blood vessels), things go awry when blood can't flow properly. Too much LDL floating around in your system is a primary cause of high blood pressure and other bad news bears, as well as essentially putting money into the pockets of Pfizer (the drug company that makes Lipitor).

Look. Let's make this clear. I am not a doctor. I am nowhere near being a physician. What I am is a medical student who has to study this stuff like mad to make sure she aces her exam on Tuesday. So, you should believe most of what I say because I have to know this stuff for the next 72 hours. With that disclaimer, statins are great but not necessarily worth the hype. They prevent your body from making cholesterol, which is the precursor for all these lipoproteins (a fancy science word for cholesterol that flows around in your blood, it includes LDL (bad!) and HDL (good!)). Your body needs cholesterol. And research shows (just check Wikipedia. You know that stuff is real then ;P) that statins may not actually be needed. They just help certain populations. I'm not telling you, Dad, to get off Lipitor. I am just trying to show a) I know things and b) if you maintain a better diet (put down that fifth bowl of 豆浆  and that third serving of 榴莲) you wouldn't need things like Lipitor to lower your blood pressure.

Again. I don't know anything. I just know what my boring Biochem professor(s) has taught me. Granted, they didn't give me (and therefore you) this opinion of statins. This is just what I have managed to figure out on my own.

So. The moral of this awfully long post is: I know things about cholesterol (see the above paragraphs). I dislike medical school (see the first paragraph). Medical school is hard (see the first paragraph). I have a test on Tuesday. I should go.

Before I do. MOM. DAD. I am sick. (subliminal message Send me a care package subliminal message)

Day 1240: Holy balls.

Wow. I thought I did infinitely better on these exams than I thought. I didn't even think they were all that terrible. Sure, it was hard but doable hard. Apparently, I am excellent at deluding myself.

It's fine. I passed both the anatomy written exam and the human development exam but I really thought I did better. Alas. I need to focus on biochem to make sure I do actually pass. Oy. I hate school.

I am having THE BIGGEST CHEESEBURGER after all this. And I'm going shopping. And I'll probably get trashed (not likely, but alcohol will probably be involved somehow).

Day 1239: Anatomy lab practical. Done.

Ugh. I went to the cadaver lab agabajillion times more than the first block and I got the EXACT SAME SCORE. I mean, I did 10-percent better than the average but who cares. I wanted to do better.

In all honesty, I'm fairly pleased with the score because I felt like there were a lot of two-answer-possibilities (where I couldn't decide if it was one structure or another (e.g., the subcostal nerve or the iliohypogastric nerve -- blah blah blah, fancy science words.)) and I honestly could have bombed this practical or done well. Luckily I did well.

Now, onto my Human Development exam & written Anatomy exam. Together. At once. In three hours. (What is wrong with these people?!) Also, a friend just informed me that tomorrow's Human Development exam comprises 50% of our Human Development grade. HA. I would have liked not knowing that but who cares? It's just a test. ...that I plan to annihilate.