Day 797: A big day

Actually, yesterday was the big day.

I gave my first paper presentation! Luckily it was only to our little lab and not to the entire journal club (lots of labs, lots of big principal investigators/big wigs) -- phew! It was a paper about a certain protein that's secreted when the tissue dies and what it's presence in the blood means for the future of stroke treatment. Blah blah blah. It was a decent paper and a decent presentation. It was tough since I didn't know what half the cytokines (signaling molecules) were, but whatever. I did it!

I was also rejected from my first school yesterday.

They didn't have a secondary so they based it solely on my personal statement and stats. ...I'm not sure what that means. Either way, I'm bummed to be starting off my second round of medical school apps with a rejection, but such is life. As my dad likes to say, "get over it and move on." That's the plan pops, that's the plan.

Hmm, what else? Oh. Yeah. I went from this...

...to this.

I really have to get used to this new smile. I had my old unique one for 20+ years. And I've had this one for a day. It'll take some time to adjust. For all of us. Trust me when I say, I look weird. Different.

Day 789: An update

This post goes out to my friend Mona, who is livin' it up in Europa right now! (If I could seethe through fiber optic connections, I would :P)

Let's see. What can I update you all on?

I have received secondary applications from 12 of the 16 schools I applied to. I haven't gotten too sick of filling them out just yet, and at this point, it's actually the last four that matter (three of them are state schools), so I'll need to keep my head in the game.

My friend Nicki and my mom have been wonderful about reading through them and making sure I stay on message, etc etc. (Thank you both!)

What else? My life was consumed with the World Cup and my team won!

(All pictures via F-Yeah! World Cup!)

My best friend's wedding (the event, not the film) is in less than three weeks! It's a little scary to think the summer has gone by so quickly / she's finally get married / we're all growing up / etc etc. Life. SLOW DOWN. You're going too fast for me.

P.S. I saw my orthodontist today and my tooth might be dying. Yeah...about that... I'll keep you posted!

Day 771: Speaking of secondaries

While reviewing/recycling some of my responses, I just realized I made a typo. I have weighed my options and decided not to freak out. There's nothing I can do about it, so meh.

And to clarify, I am not complaining about my secondaries. Just noting how sore my wrist is. Also, my previous grievances were about my lack of interviews, not secondaries. Secondaries are a dime a dozen, interviews are much rarer. Like four-leaf clovers and the pennies with the Lincoln Memorial.

(I know you weren't being mean. I appreciate your support! :D)

This picture was taken from this person's Flickr

 I loved staring at the itty bitty Lincoln when I got these pennies

Day 771: Secondaries, the second time around

And I've only received secondaries from five schools so far...

Day 561: Fail better

Dear Samuel Beckett,

I only recently came across your saying, "fail better," when I read an article Reader's Digest did with the actor Jon Hamm. I read it and it seemed kitschy enough. However, as my life progresses, I'm finding how pertinent your saying is to my current situation.

Ever tried. Ever failed.
No matter.
Try Again. Fail again.
Fail better.

Yesterday, I realized I should probably update schools with my new activities and classes (my mentorship, a Biochem class I'm thinking about taking). As I looked at my list of schools, I decided to focus on updating schools I really want to go to and then work from there. I checked out my Davis application to discover that it still wasn't complete (a month later!). Rather than freak out, I called the Admissions office and the woman informed me that the Davis server was down for a bit and it was "difficult to find those individual letters" but she inputted them and now my application is complete. Yay...sort of. Allow me a moment to express how annoying all of this is...

Applying to med schools is long, lugubrious and year-long. The hype I felt at the beginning of all of this has converted itself into a form of mental-hypochondria (I am now waiting for a small envelope of rejection from each school). Add in the element of "rolling admissions" and you have a stress-bomb on your hands. When I have done everything I can to turn things in on time (if not early) and whatnot, I expect the institution I'm applying to to, pardon my French, have their shit together. Granted, I should have kept a closer eye, but the damn application itself says something along the lines of "we manually input your letters of recommendation. Please don't be surprised if this takes some time." Blah blah blah. I submitted my complete application in late October. It is December 2nd. If I don't get an interview because you screwed up...well, in what universe is that fair?

I know, I know. Life isn't fair. And things happen. Ergo, my new motto for life is to fail better. Because failure is never what defines us. Rather, how we act in the face of failure (and adversity and failure's other cousins) is what counts. So this is what I'm doing. I'm getting my act together. I'm going to stop being such a Debbie-Downer and try being a Jubilant-Jessy.

And here is where it starts. With the holiday season underway, I thought it was important for me to step back and be thankful for my whole life. I have a family that loves and supports me. I have friends who bolster and inspire me. I have a roof over my head, filled with central heating. I have a closet full of clothes (which I probably only need half of). And I get to try and achieve more than I think I'm capable of (at the moment. There are still gobs of doubts due to the constant influx of rejections). All in all, life isn't bad. It would take a lot more to be even remotely bad.

On that note, thank you Mr. Beckett. Thank you for helping me say-aloud that it isn't the trying again that's daunting, it's the failing again that is. And if I'm going to fail, you're right Mr. Beckett, I might as well fail better. Heck, not better, but with a bang.

Sincerely,
Jess

Day 552: Reflections and connections

Some things don't change, like my love of rhyming. And cliches. And ridiculous analogies. And good friends who support me in my time of emotional distress. (Goodness. Could I sound any more melodramatic? It's just a rejection (or two), not the end of the world.)

Anyway, I won't lie and say I'm all better but I am trying to refocus my energy. I'm not sure what I'm refocusing it on but at this point, I have a very fatalistic and defeatist attitude towards medical school. Whatever happens happens...that may be the best way to minimize any further stinging from future rejections. I'm just completely blah about med school at this point. Whatever.

So, a family friend emailed a dean at a medical school I applied to. It was a very kind gesture but I don't know how much it will help. All he did was drop my name -- no AMCAS/identification number or anything of the sort. And of course the dean replied in the same empty manner -- "I'll be sure her application gets a good look." ...right. If you were serious, you'd ask for more information. A key identifying feature. Something.

I reiterate, I am so over this whole process. I just want to hibernate for the next five years.

Day 550: Simulations, rejections and fatalism

So my suture tutorial on Thursday was pretty fun. We learned how to tie knots like surgeons--you never let go of the string. The surgery residents were extremely friendly and nice. It was refreshing to meet them. We also got to use some killer simulators and I got to take out a gall bladder. Overall, the suture tutorial showed me three things.

One, I still want to be a doctor. There's a lot of cool, fun stuff you can do and the possibility of constant learning ensures constant engagement. Who could ask for more?

Two, surgeons have crazy spatial abilities! It took me a minute to acclimate myself to the simulators. I also had to use tools to move objects but I couldn't actually see the objects I was moving so I was staring at a screen and I won't lie, it was mildly difficult.

Three, my internship actually lets me do a lot. A) All the Chinese post-docs are a ton of fun. B) They let me perform surgeries (e.g. when I removed that rat's spleen) and what was so crazy was that the simulation I performed Thursday night was just like the one I actually performed a few months back on that rat. They electrocauterize out the organs and there's a lot of stapling and tying of arteries to prevent bleeding out.

In other news, I received another rejection yesterday. This one was from UCSF and that one was to be expected. I'm too lazy to type up the letter they sent me but it was more "we're sorry blah blah blah...this doesn't mean you're not qualified to be a physician blah blah blah...we hope you get in somewhere this year."

And now that my batting average is 0/3, I'm feeling incredibly resigned. I have decided to fill out the supplemental applications to a few schools that I wasn't so hot on. If nothing works out this cycle, I am looking ahead to the next application cycle and I plan on doing everything right. I am a complete believer in things happening (not necessarily for a reason) so this is how things are happening for me. I really am just so tired of selling myself and telling people why they should accept me and this and that. I'm sick of trying to find something original to say. I'm not feeling very original or intelligent or wanted at the moment. I'm not feeling much of anything to be honest. I think that's even sadder. There are no emotions, just a numbness that prevents me from actually caring anymore.

Day 533: A terrible writer

You know what I've realized? I am a terrible writer. First of all, the idea of having someone read something I've written makes me mildly nauseous. It's quite a sad thing to admit (aloud) I actually suck at something. Whatsmore, it's at something that is so freaking important right now. I'm getting way too caught up with wow-ing people and saying what I think they want to hear. I can't seem to get unfazed by everything and just write. I'm in a deep loathing phase of my life right now.

After a few friends helped me with my recent secondary application, I am convinced of two things. One, I am about as articulate as a newborn. Two, I lack any good reasoning for wanting to become a doctor.

So you all know, I am not depressed by my rejection letter. If anything, I'm glad they told me they didn't want me so I could know and not keep wondering.

All in all, I am screwed beyond belief and I'll need about eight screwdrivers to get me out of it. FUDGE.

Day 512: A little background on secondary applications

I wanted to provide some more information about how secondary (also called supplemental) applications work.

Secondary applications tend to cost more than the primary/AMCAS application. (Yes, I have to pay application fees twice.) They are typically comprised of a reiteration of school information (found in your AMCAS application) and short answer essays, usually pertaining to the school. They often ask about how you will contribute to the diversity of the incoming class, or how X-school will help you reach your future goals, et cetera.

Most private medical schools (including the ones in Day 501) send secondary applications to all applicants.

Most public/in-state medical schools send secondary applications to screened applicants. "Screened" means they've seen your GPA, MCAT score, personal statement and all the other basic information provided in your primary/AMCAS application and they like what they see. This is definitely a good sign. You've jumped through the first hoop and you only have a few more to go

Just so you know, I've filled out all the private school secondaries I'm going to fill out. There are some I have received but have decided not to complete. This may change in the upcoming months depending on how my other secondaries fare.

Day 505: Dear Universe, I love you.

I think if ever a perfect day existed, it was yesterday. I'm going to walk you through the day.

I wake up. I slept decently enough. I knew my MCAT scores were coming in today. I checked the AAMC (Asociation of American Medical Colleges) website yesterday (Monday). It said to expect MCAT scores to be reported after 5pm EST. I checked them that morning as a just in case (I would be checking any and every second possible until they came in). Well! Lo and behold! They were in.

...and they were not bad at all. I ran to my parents room, calling their names and I interrupted their tooth-brushing and face-washing to tell them the news. You could see us all sigh a gigantic sigh of relief. Everything they had invested in me, and everything I had worked for, finally came to fruition. I don't know what I believe in, but I couldn't help but thank my lucky stars and the universe and other ethereal bodies.

I go to class. Still on an MCAT-high (double entendre intended). In between class and my lab, I work on secondaries upon secondaries. For lab that day, we go on a field trip! Lots o' hiking. Some nice fresh air.

I meet up with a friend at the gym. Good 5K run. We go shopping. The shirt I wanted to buy (whether I got a good score or not; good score = congratulatory-I-deserve-this reasoning, bad score = I'm-sad-I-deserve-this reasoning) went on sale that day. Whee! (We all know how I love a good sale.) We go to Cheesecake Factory. Where we eat (hummus, a burger, pumpkin pecan cheesecake and alcohol!) and I am happy.

Like I said, if there was ever a perfect day. I think it would have gone like that.

Thanks to all of you who sent good vibes, crossed your fingers and were generally so absurdly supportive. I couldn't have done it without you. Honest to blog.

Day 501: Secondaries galore!

This is a little image I made of the secondaries I have yet to submit. To keep you all in the loop, my test scores come in Tuesday (give or take a day). If they're decent enough, I'll be sending in the secondaries I've currently completed. I have three left to do and I hope to finish them all before my scores come out.

My nerves have been getting to me lately. I know there is nothing I can do about my test scores. They were decided when I chose to have my MCAT scored. Nevertheless, as the date looms, I can't help but become a big fat worry wart.

So, when my scores get in, if they're okay, I'll send my secondaries out. If schools like my primary application and they like what I had to say in my secondary application, then they will offer me an interview. When (yes, when) I rock my interview, they will then inform me (anywhere from two to six weeks) if they will accept me or reject me. Let's hope for the former, shall we?

And the waiting game continues...

Day 475: Secondary Issues

I have a quandary.

Most schools, once your application is complete, will send you a secondary application. This secondary application is comprised of essays upon essays about why they should choose you, et cetera, et cetera. Thus, I'm not too worried about receiving a secondary from a school.

My main concern, though, is whether or not I will receive a secondary from any UC (top-tier California state school). Because the UCs are state schools, with limited funding, they only offer secondaries to applicants they are interested in. If they just do a cursory view of my basic stats (GPA and MCAT), then I'm pretty much screwed. My first MCAT score is extremely low when compared to the UC-MCAT-average. If they just do a once-over, then there's no way they'll offer me a secondary (even though my application will say "Pending MCAT scores").

Now, the question is this, should I wait to receive my new scores and then send my application out? Or, should I just hope for the best and send them out now, so that I don't miss the deadline? There are many other issues at stake. For example, the service used to apply to medical schools (AMCAS) has to process your application. What this means is, they have to compare the grades you inputted into your application against your official transcripts. Then they determine your GPA. Because of the processing time (as long as 4-6 weeks during peak application time(s)), I could be okay if I submitted them today. I could also not if they processed it faster. I could also be screwed beyond belief if I missed the deadlines for, oh, all the schools.

What to do, what to do.