Day 1330, Part 2: Anger as a means of motivation

Students who were selected to become board members of the Saturday Clinic met earlier today. While waiting for my friend to put things in his locker, I noticed that all the current board members were in a conference room near our lockers. THIS IS WHERE THE NEW BOARD MEMBERS ARE MEETING THE CURRENT BOARD MEMBERS (I thought). Well, I was very curious to see who was selected to be a board member over me. Is that overly dramatic of me? Of course it was.

Anyway, I see one of my classmates enter the room and I am PISSED to see who it is. I have no better word to describe the coursing anger that pulsed through my veins. THEY PICKED HER OVER ME?! HER?! OVER ME?! This is pretty much went on in my mind the entire lunch period. There I was, having lunch with my friends and I was seething. I mean not in a "don't-approach-her-for-fear-she-may-stab-me-with-her-plastic-fork" kind of way, but more "I-am-going-keep-letting-you-all-know-how-pissed-I-am" sort of way. I mean, I was crazy mean about it. Saying some really terrible things, trying to figure out how they could have possibly chosen her over me. I was probably unnecessarily mean about it.

The moral of this story is, I have decided to channel this anger into something more productive. Which is crushing all of my exams because honestly, if you picked her over me, you MUST be delusional. Now, I am going to ace every exam just to show you how absurdly crazy you were to pick her. HER!

Day 630: Rejected but not dejected

Since I last posted, I have been rejected by two schools. The first one was amusing because my first thought was, "Really? You haven't rejected me already? Huh..."

And then yesterday, I got rejected by UC Davis (the school that screwed me over because of a technical glitch in their system) and I was completely unphased. At this point, there's only one direction for me and that's forward. These rejections are rolling off me because I've fully prepared myself for them. Besides, I am getting my new application ready to go come whenever AMCAS 2011 opens.

So, for all of you who are so fantastic and caring, I'm fine. I was glad I could get out my feelings (in cartoon form!) and then they were done. Thank you all for your concern and well-wishes and good vibes. I'm not one with the universe but I'm surely not as depressed about life as I was last week.

I've decided when this is all over...the big brunt of applying and I'm finally in the interview stage...I'm going to write a new blog titled "What I Wish I Knew Before I Applied to Medical School". I feel like it could really help other people in the same boat. You know, the boat of "lost and confused and daunted pre-med post-baccs trying to get their life in order."

Day 569: Sad chubby puppy

This is the title of the picture-text I sent my sister yesterday.

That is because I looked like this...

Sad and pale and a little swollen. I was quite disappointed my face didn't swell to the point of a goiter, but a friend pointed out that that just signifies what a good oral surgeon I had. So, I guess there's that. Or, my face is already so round there's no where for it swell to. One of those.

Anyway, I had my final on Tuesday. It went okay. We'll see. Then my surgery yesterday...which was prefaced by a rejection email from Tulane University, which said...

Dear Applicant:

We regret to inform you that your application will receive no further consideration for the class to enter the Tulane University School of Medicine in 2010. As you know the class is limited to 177 students, and the available places do not go very far in accommodating the large number of highly qualified applicants who have applied to the Tulane University School of Medicine. We hope that you receive an acceptance to a medical school of your choice and that both success and happiness will be yours as you continue your training.

Sincerely,
Senior Associate Dean for Admissions and Student Affairs

I must say. I was not a fan of this rejection letter. Others have been somewhat nicer. This one is just poorly worded. I wasn't even sure I was rejected after the first read-through (granted it was at 6:50AM, the morning of my surgery). Anyway, at this point, I am resigning myself to the fact that I will not be getting in this cycle. This is because I have not been invited to an interview where, numbers-wise, I fit in perfectly with these schools.

No worries, no despondent Jess here. Just a statement of facts. When you've got a grandmother who enters other people's cars and a father who helps ice your face and get your meds and a mother who drives back two hours to see you recover from wisdom teeth removal and friends who care enough to stop by to check up on you...what's a rejection or five? There are certainly enough good moments to cover the bad.

Day 564: The master of my fate

I feel like I've been very downtrodden lately, and I'm sorry to say this post may be in that vein as well. I just want you all to know that when I write it all out, it helps me actualize and solidify my feelings so I can move past them. So don't think I'm permanently depressed.

2009 has not been very good to me. A lot of it was of my own making. Taking my MCAT too early and bombing it. Taking a month off to gallavant across the country and whatnot. ...which caused me to take an MCAT prep course in late summer ...which caused me to take my MCAT at the end of the testing cycle ...which caused me to apply late which is where I am now. ...Rejected from four schools (I got the Georgetown e-mail yesterday).

It also sucks when things are so out of my control that there's nothing I can do but accept it (e.g., Davis technical glitch). A friend of mine put it so aptly, "it must be really discouraging." Which it is. I know I shouldn't take it personally. A lot of it just came down to timing. I'm just frustrated with how much time and effort I put into it only to be rejected and discounted because I was three months late.

Also, I may be preemptively depressed because I have 14 schools to hear back from. Fourteen. I know. It's a big number. However, three of my rejections came from schools that I had a decent chance at getting an interview for and they all shot me down. This does not bode well for the schools that were definitely beyond my reach. It also doesn't bode well for the schools that I also have a good chance at. So fourteen sounds like a lot. In reality, it isn't much of anything but more rejections.

Lastly, I should be hearing back from most schools by the end of the year. Most schools let an applicant know within six weeks of his/her application's completion if the school will offer that applicant an interview. Most of mine were completed late October/early November. They will all be informing me how qualified I am, but they will not have the opportunity to offer me an interview. They are incredibly sorry they couldn't select me because there was an incredibly large pool of qualified applicants this cycle. This in no way signifies I am incapable of attending medical school. They are incredibly sorry (again) and wish me the best of luck. Blah blah blah.

I should just write my own letters and send them to myself.

Day 550: Simulations, rejections and fatalism

So my suture tutorial on Thursday was pretty fun. We learned how to tie knots like surgeons--you never let go of the string. The surgery residents were extremely friendly and nice. It was refreshing to meet them. We also got to use some killer simulators and I got to take out a gall bladder. Overall, the suture tutorial showed me three things.

One, I still want to be a doctor. There's a lot of cool, fun stuff you can do and the possibility of constant learning ensures constant engagement. Who could ask for more?

Two, surgeons have crazy spatial abilities! It took me a minute to acclimate myself to the simulators. I also had to use tools to move objects but I couldn't actually see the objects I was moving so I was staring at a screen and I won't lie, it was mildly difficult.

Three, my internship actually lets me do a lot. A) All the Chinese post-docs are a ton of fun. B) They let me perform surgeries (e.g. when I removed that rat's spleen) and what was so crazy was that the simulation I performed Thursday night was just like the one I actually performed a few months back on that rat. They electrocauterize out the organs and there's a lot of stapling and tying of arteries to prevent bleeding out.

In other news, I received another rejection yesterday. This one was from UCSF and that one was to be expected. I'm too lazy to type up the letter they sent me but it was more "we're sorry blah blah blah...this doesn't mean you're not qualified to be a physician blah blah blah...we hope you get in somewhere this year."

And now that my batting average is 0/3, I'm feeling incredibly resigned. I have decided to fill out the supplemental applications to a few schools that I wasn't so hot on. If nothing works out this cycle, I am looking ahead to the next application cycle and I plan on doing everything right. I am a complete believer in things happening (not necessarily for a reason) so this is how things are happening for me. I really am just so tired of selling myself and telling people why they should accept me and this and that. I'm sick of trying to find something original to say. I'm not feeling very original or intelligent or wanted at the moment. I'm not feeling much of anything to be honest. I think that's even sadder. There are no emotions, just a numbness that prevents me from actually caring anymore.

Day 548: Rejection #2

Dear Ms. Jessica,

Your application to the 2010 entering class has now been carefully reviewed by the Admissions Committee. It is with regret that I must inform you that we are unable to take any further action on your application.

Because of the exceptionally competitive applicant pool this year, the selection process has been unusually difficult and the Committee has had to choose only a few students from a large number of academically qualified applicants.

We greatly appreciate your interest in seeking admission to the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA.

Sincerely,
Sr. Associate Dean for Student Affairs
Chairman, Admissions Committee

__________________________________________________

I believe this is why I don't believe in first choices. Everything I've done has been for UCLA...which just sounds absolutely insane. And childish. I didn't have a first choice for undergrad and I only sort of had one for med school. I believe this is the universe telling me to not have too many hopes.

To be honest, I'm fine. You can't change how things happen so why bother with the "why?" At this point, I'm going to need to start hedging my bets. I don't know how. But I suppose I'll start by filling out the secondaries to schools I put on the back burner.

C'est la vie.

P.S. I just realized something. I think I know someone that knows this senior associate dean. This someone was going to write me a recommendation. Ha! Well. That won't be necessary. The world is so small and so funny sometimes. (And slightly ironic and cruel.)

Day 540: The waiting game

After getting all down-and-out about my 7500 character word vomit (that was the secondary mentioned in the previous post), I did what I always do. I got over it and re-wrote it and sent that puppy in on Monday.

Now, I wait.

The only word I've received from med schools was that lovely rejection from Boston University.

More waiting.

Please, please, please let me hear some good news from a med school before 2010.

And the waiting continues.

My greatest fear is this will turn out like Waiting for Godot.

Day 527: Rejected!

Dear Ms. Jessica,

The Committee on Admissions of Boston University School of Medicine has completed its review of your application. It is with great regret that I inform you that we will be unable to offer an interview this year. This is a disappointment, as much for those who are responsible for the decision as it may be for you, the candidate who is turned away.

Most of the candidates we are considering this year are qualified to attend medical school and are likely to make important contributions to our profession and to society. Sadly, with more than 100 applicants for every seat in the class, we are forced to deny many exceptional people.

We acknowledge and respect your accomplishments and recognize that our inability to offer you an opportunity to complete the admissions process is a loss for Boston University. Please accept our best wishes for all your future endeavors.

Sincerely,
Boston University School of Medicine