Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Day 329: More downs than ups

To further worrying the few of you that care, I am completely miserable.

I got my exams (all of them -- Physiology, Organic and Physics) back on Monday and I was sorely disappointed. I'm back in the Physiology game (sweet, I thought, maybe the day will go well). I got a terrible grade in Organic, as expected, but it didn't hurt any less. Or make me think I was any less of a complete failure. And then my Physics grade was not a strong A, but another wishy-washy A/B. I can't win.

I keep thinking something good has to come my way because I keep feeling like a pile of crap and nothing comes. I can't keep hoping for things that won't happen. I don't know what else to do though. I'm completely and utterly unmotivated. I'm convinced that I'm not good enough for anything -- people, school, science, anything. And at the exact moment that I'm typing all of this, I'm crying out of sheer desperation. I'm not feeling better or relieved to get it out. I just feel like a big disappointment. ...to all of you. I'm starting to hyperventilate. Which is a sign of emotions controlling my central breath pattern generator in my brain stem. I'm losing feeling in my hands from the lack of carbon dioxide.

I'm tired. And unmotivated. And going to fail out of school.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow and pretend like everything's fine. Everything's not fine. I think I'm slowly dying inside. I'm completely overwhelmed by the prospect of more exams and finals and the MCAT. I'm completely disappointed that my parents don't think I'll do well on the MCAT. And I'm just really unhappy and alone.

To top it off, I don't fit into the clothes I bought online. I ordered new clothes. Only to send them home instead of here. I can't do anything right.

Hopefully I'll stop complaining on this thing sooner rather than later. (Sadly, even my simplest hopes get dashed and I'm left a sobbing wreck.)