Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Day 2955: These people

My classmate and budding friend Brian said something somewhat depressing this past Sunday. He pointed out that, after all of this (me: gesticulating at medical school and books and studying), he probably would not keep in touch with any of his "friends" beyond graduation.

When I probed him further, his reasoning made sense. This sort of atmosphere doesn't really foster life-long relationships. Don't get me wrong, I have met several residents who endorse meeting best friends from medical school. Maybe Brian and I are the weird ones. He has more friends, more gatherings to attend than I, but it was both heartening and disheartening to hear that these friends aren't real. They are not substantive. They are...present more than anything else. It's people to hang out with and spend time with, but there is nothing deeper happening behind the scenes. There isn't sharing of fears or dreams or any of that touchy feely stuff. It's more superficial -- what did you think of that exam? How is your rotation going? Anything going on this weekend?

That night, I became extremely dejected. I would maybe, truthfully, speak to one classmate after medical school. And, to be honest, he's kind of a misogynist and calls me "chinky." (I know, I sure know how to pick 'em.) But, with all the numbers in my phone, I would feel grateful to text one or two people a month to check in and see how they are doing. It's just sad to think that after four years of blood, sweat, and tears, none of it was bond-forming. I see others in my class, who will most likely keep in touch with several people after all of this, and sometimes I wonder, is there something wrong with me? I'm sure there is, but apparently I can't be bothered to investigate further. I just keep trying to make these connections that end up flailing, which leads Danny to consoling me after my umpteenth attempt at finding a lasting friendship out of these people.

When did these people become only that? "These people." No names, no faces, just a sea of people I will probably never see again.