Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Day 512: Getting caught in all the wrong tides

I find it absurdly easy to get caught up in all the wrong things sometimes. From the wrong emotions, to the wrong people, to the wrong ideas, to a lot of wrongness.

Last night, I made the inevitable, recurring mistake of telling my father more information than he was capable of handling. I always, always give my father the benefit of the doubt, assuming he can handle what I'm about to tell him and I am always, always proven wrong. I do it to myself really. We were discussing my undergrad GPA and I assumed that since I was two years removed from undergrad, and there was absolutely nothing anyone could do about it, I told my dad my GPA. I should have lied and said my GPA was better than it was. I know, I know, lies make you fat but if it keeps my dad floating in his surreal cloud of unrealistic optimism, then why not, right? Well, I didn't learn my lesson (I think I'm going to keep getting an F in this Father-Daughter-What-to-Say-and-What-Not-to-Say class). Anyway, the moral of the story is, I really need to learn to keep my damn mouth shut.

My mother and I are discussing things this morning and I am motherf-ing pissed. And I mean pissed. Mainly about what occurred last night egged on my a few key interactions this morning. Whatever. Luckily, I have good friends who let me prattle on about my pissed-off-ness and I feel slightly better. I really hate wasting energy being angry. Moreover, I really hate being angry about nothing/things I can't change. It wastes my time and my energy and now I'm all out of whack that I can't focus properly on my secondaries or anything of equal importance.

I then proceeded over to PostSecret and realized that life is so much bigger than being angry and caught up in all the wrong emotions. Which isn't to say I wasn't angry ten minutes ago or I won't be angry again. It's just, right now, this very second, I don't need it. I have to focus my energy on something more positive. Or else I'll get sucked into the horrible abyss of what-ifs and second-guesses and the vortex that is the debilitating negativity possibilities of the unknown.