Day 2270: Sick, dying, and thank you

Hey all,

The quickest post to tell you I am sick. For the third time this year! Apparently it's true, when you are stressed out, you get sick much faster. I am never ever sick. And now I am on icky-feeling-number-three for the year 2013.

I am dying of stress. Not my sickness. My whatever-this-is involves a lot of clogged noses and nose-blowing and somewhat phlegm-y feeling throat. My cumulative final for pathology is on May 9th (!!!) and then my final exam of microbiology is on May 13th. Luckily micro is not cumulative, but still. I'm not terribly stressed about either exam, so much as busy going over the material (the previous seven blocks of path) and learning the new stuff (dermatology, breast, thyroid, etc). The true stress comes from the fact that my board exams are a little more than 5 or 6 weeks away! I'm still on the fence about moving my test date up, but everyone and their mother's brother's niece's dog says that I will either burn out by my current test date (June 17th) or stress myself out so much in that time (aka Jessica will become bald like Homer Simpson -- with three lone strands of hair left), so we'll see.

How sad is my life? I am straight-up excited for finals to be over, not because I have finished another somewhat-hellish year and am heading in to the hospital (!!), but rather my excitement is due to the fact that I can finally dedicate my desired 10-12 hours a day of solely boards studying. Very sad Jessica. Pitiful actually.

Thank you all for your texts and care packages (BEL-C)! I feel so lucky to have people who love and care about me so much. Especially when I have essentially turned my back on everyone to get through the last 5 weeks of pure hell. Thank you. From the bottom of my cold, dead heart. My heart will beat again soon and I will be the friend each of you so deserve.

There might be radio silence until then so I wanted to end it on a positive note. Honestly and truly. Thank you all.

Day 2260: Ups and Downs

My weekend with my sister was glorious -- exactly what I needed, family time. However, the entire time my sister was here, I was stressed out beyond belief; thinking about all the things I should be or could be studying. Nevertheless, we had a helluva time and I love my sister to the moon and back. There are pictures below of our outings. What you don't see is a ton of eating my sister I did -- Cafe Centraal with Danny's family, a yumtastic breakfast/brunch at Danny's parents' home, Milwaukee Public Market -- the whole shebang.

My sister and I at a Brewers game!

My sister and I at Miller Brewery, getting ready for a tour!

Yesterday, Tuesday, was a sh!t-show. I was at school from 8:30am to 11pm, with probably an hour max of relaxation/hanging out on the internet/whatever, and I was so stressed about boards and finals and life that I cried twice (from sheer stress and panic) and called Danny to tell him I probably wouldn't be able to go on vacation with his family this summer (because I was so stressed out about boards). And then, to top it all off, I lost this earring that I just bought for my sister and I as a fun little sister-studs-thing. Sigh. What a bunch of crappy things at once, hey?

Today, I gave a little presentation at our class meeting regarding professional attire. It was (surprisingly) well received by students and staff and, if you have any interest in watching, I included the video below. If you have anything to say about the video, please comment below! I'd love to hear what you thought (good and bad).

All in all, it was a really nice start to the day given how craptastic yesterday (Tuesday) was. Oh. I also got my new iPad 4 (it's for clinic, not for fun...but I'll be using it for fun :P). My iPad 2 will be given to my parents/family in Taiwan so they can FaceTime.

As you can see, it's been a very up-and-down week. Off to study pathology (and everything else, sigh). See ya later alligator!

Day 2236: Stress and rising

Stress: CONSTANT.

Rising: Jesus, apparently. Happy Easter! No, nothing fun for me. I was invited to Danny's family's Easter celebration but I am perpetually stressed so I couldn't quell the never-ending possibilities of failure and stress and all its relatives muster up the wherewithal to go. 

I wish I had more to report. Nicki and I got to hang out again which was absolutely wonderful. It's so good to catch up with her, however few and far between it is for us. How crazy is it to think we've known each other almost eight years? And how ironic and funny is it that I have somehow taken on every aspect of her old life in Milwaukee? She's okay with it, so I am too.

I have been listening to "Clair de Lune" on repeat for the past few days. Easy listening and hopefully some brain cells are getting fired up and keeping some of this absurd amount of information in my head.

The weather has been picking up lately, hello high 40s/low 50s, so Danny and I have enjoyed some outdoor runs these past few days. It's amazing a) how fast that ex-fat-boy runs, and b) how much I hate running and I still do it, haha.

I have discovered the beauties of wine (aka merlot and pinor noir aka the chump/intro wines) and am somewhat obsessed. I drink 1 serving (5 ounces) a night and kind of not-so-secretly love it. I wonder if I am trying to dull my stress. (It isn't working.)

I have decided I actually want to participate in things so I ran for some student assembly positions (I assume I will not win) and I'm attending this delegates/Wisconsin Medical Society thing in a few weekends. It's been meetings galore lately which is good (I'm actually involved in something) and bad (I lose even more time that I could be studying).

I WANT THESE NEXT THREE MONTHS TO BE OVER. The stress is unbearable. I am interminably behind in every aspect of my life -- school, friends, family. I want to die. Writing out this stress has not alleviated it in any way and is actually reminding me how much I should be learning. Don't go to medical school. This is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. Second to almost-being-a-vegetarian-that-one-day, and even that was done in a day.

Sigh. It gets better right?

Day 2228: Back to reality

It has taken me a bit longer than I would have liked to get back in to school-mode, but here it is, in full force. One of the (delightful) reasons for the delay was that my dearest Nicki was in town! Danny and I took her out to lunch and it was a delicious (literally and figuratively) time.

Reunited!

As hinted to in the Spring Break post, the ever-impending boards draw nearer and nearer. At this point, all of us M2s are either talking about them or stressing about them or both. My game plan is doing questions. All day, every day. I do a block (46 questions in an hour) of questions every day. I learn from my mistakes. I learn for school. I am stressed. I lose focus. I get stressed about losing focus. Rinse. Repeat.

Speaking of boards, the more and more I speak to upperclassmen/M3s about it, I think my 5-week study period might be too long. My original thought process when selecting my exam date was, how the hell am I supposed to re-learn all of med school in five weeks??? After M3s broke it down for me -- when the true panic and fear of boards sets in after finals, I will (actually) study at least 8 hours per day, 7 days a week...over five weeks that amounts to at least 250 hours of studying -- that's a lot of time. My mother, I am sure, thinks that I need more time (thank you for the added stress Mother. I know you don't intend on adding stress to my life, but you somehow manage to provide it plentifully), but I am 10,000% sure that I will burn out. Way before then. So, the moral of this paragraph is, I am considering moving my date up one week to June 10th (versus my current date of June 17th). I'll know better in the next few weeks if that date is plausible. In three weeks or so, our school is giving us a NBME (aka practice boards) exam. That will be the deciding factor for me.

Thank goodness Nicki was in town to provide a fun picture for this post, right? Or else it would be about boring old stressful-as-hell boards. Thanks for the study/blogging break team. Now....break!

Day 2198: Exam results & urology shadowing

Hey there.

Psych on Tuesday was somewhat of a complete hydrogen bomb of badness. I went in, made a bunch of educated guesses, and when my score popped up after the exam, I swear to you, I had to hold in a yelp of disbelief. I have no idea where I went so wrong. ...let me back up. I only studied the 7 lectures of psych on Monday since I had more important things to study for (neuro pathology on Wednesday). So, my grade is completely justified. However, that score stressed me out beyond belief. It also pissed me off to no end. Therefore, I used those two emotions to study my butt off for neuro-path the next day.

The next day, Wednesday, 9 am, neuro-path. For those of you that have memories like elephants, neuroscience was a subject I took last spring semester (aka this time last year). I failed my first exam. It was pretty debilitating and it was probably the umpteenth time my sister/mother heard me bawl on the phone about my apparent lack of intelligence and self-defeating doubt concerning my place in medical school. Well, I got my act extremely together that semester and ended neuroscience with a solid pass. Back to pathology, that test was a mind-swirl. I was between 2-3 answers (out of 5) on about 15 questions. I thought it out, wrote a bunch of stuff out and made educated guesses. Since we all saw how well that turned out on psych the previous day, you can imagine my stress levels going through the roof. Well, I got a 92 on that exam.

I should be cheering. Instead, I am blogging, trying to figure out why I can't revel in that obvious win. Did psych really screw with my mind that bad that I can't even believe in my abilities? I have been so screwed up the past few weeks. Family life is stressful. (Apparently both of my parents think all I do is nothing but have tons of fun, and they chastize me for it. If only I could physically demonstrate and properly verbalize the amount I study/my stress levels to them. Then maybe they would leave me the hell alone, or I don't know, believe in me.) My sister is the only sane one left. I am constantly, overwhelmingly stressed out by the prospect of boards every waking second. I have a lot on my mind all the time and I have a lot of negative energy and bad ju-ju I need to let go of. I want to do urology so bad. I have never wanted anything more in my entire life.

Speaking of urology, I shadowed the residency director here at school after my exam and it was jaw-droppingly amazing. He created a new bladder. Ta-da! The patient had bladder cancer so the cancer doc took out the bladder, and the urology doc created a new one from the small intestine. Then he inserted the ureters and urethra and ta-da, a new bladder was born. It felt a lot of sewing/seamstress-ing which we all know I do a lot of. It was so freaking cool. I nearly fell off my step-stool at how much fun it was, and I was only watching. Can you tell I am in love with this specialty? (I know, I know, I owe you all a "why urology?" post. Coming soon. I promise/hope.)

Hopefully this post compensates for my utter lack of posting in February thus far. I keep promising pictures, but I truly promise that my next post will be pictures. There is nothing I hate more than broken promises.

Day 2084: Swamped.

Hello everyone!

I was not as focused as I would have liked before my friend's arrival, but now I am officially in "gunning it" mode. I am blogging as a little study break, seeing as how I have been studying since 9am (and at school since 6:15am).

I am so stressed about school (and so tired) that I had to cancel a shadowing opportunity with a doctor I know because school is my number one priority. My number two priority is the show "Homeland." That show is seriously the best one-hour on television.

Anyhoo, as promised, here are pictures from the weekend!

Snow found Waldo!

Snow White & Little Red Riding Hood

Having a little hat fun at the Milwaukee Art Museum

Shrek 2.0

I don't know what to say to this.

Dia de los muertos mustaches at the Milwaukee Art Museum

Day 2005: Holy sh!t.

The first day was fine. The second day was a bit of a "holy sh!t" moment. We learned, I swear, an entire undergraduate course worth of immunology in one hour. And, after looking at some of the study resources provided by our pharmacology tutors, I apparently am not running (as in hitting the ground) fast enough. Did I forget to mention yesterday that by December 15th (of this year), I will have learned more than 500 drugs? Not just names people. Mechanisms, side effects, etc etc. FIVE. HUNDRED. I don't even know five hundred people, including celebrities whom I stalk.

My mom seems displeased that I don't plan on attending class today but after going the first two days, I know that I cannot passively sit in a room and listen for hours on end. I need to be actively learning, writing, thinking, or else I am honestly just wasting my time.

It seems quite evident that staying on top of each day's material is a very good thing. It also seems quite evident that I will defiinitely be studying while on vacation. (What vacation you ask? Stay tuned!)

Day 1173: Getting settled.

I am completely amazed at how stressful it is to move into an unfurnished place.

Upon my arrival in Milwaukee on Monday August 1st, I bought a bed. They couldn't deliver it until Thursday so Bruce offered to get me the bed with his family's van. Well, we didn't get to that until Tuesday. I didn't sleep that well Monday night and I decided to go to Target before we got the bed to start furnishing my apartment. While there, I felt absurdly overwhelmed with how little I had. Couple that with all of my worldly possessions piling up in the living room, and an empty bedroom with no bed, and not-a-good-night's-rest, is it little wonder that suddenly, out of nowhere, while on the phone with my sister, I have a flat out nervous breakdown. I am hysterical. I am crying all over the place, my hands start to tense up (and I can't curl my fingers back in), I have to put my head between my knees to get oxygen into my lungs and I am just a mess. Luckily, Bruce saved the day. He came and got me and we got my preciously firm queen-sized mattress and set her up in my room. And I love her.

The rest of the week was spent buying things and building things (desk, chair, cabinets/shelving units). Groceries were purchased. Clothes were unpacked. No internet was to be had, but that gave me a chance to catch up on Sex and the City. The love of my life television series. Orientation begins in two days! Eep!

Day 876: Healing, old friends and feeling consumption

As my friend MK likes to ask me, "Still a leper, Jess?"

"No, no longer a leper." After a week of blistered-feeling appendages that gave way to itchy appendages, I am now essentially healed. Thank the high heavens.

I've been terribly glad this past week because I have reconnected(ish) with two friends! The first was my gal-pal from North Carolina, Joy (who I spoke about here). I haven't spoken to Joy in more than a year. I called her a few times and left messages and never heard back so I deleted her number, mourned the loss of a great girlfriend and moved on. Well, she texts (and then calls) me up out of the blue and it was fabulous! To be honest, I don't expect to hear from her for another six months, but it was good to hear her voice.

The second was my dearest friend Ashley. We haven't seen each other for almost 18 months. We texted, briefly, on August 24th, but that was that. We talked on the phone for more than an hour yesterday and it was fantastic. She's happy at her new job and I am pleased as punch

All in all, catching up with old friends is always nice. And I caught up with two friends so that's twice as nice!

Lastly, I want you to meet my feelings. The stress of Friday is causing me to eat my feelings in all of these delectable foods.

I just need Friday to come and go so I can get back to glorious days of not-knowing when I would hear back from medical schools.