Day 3285: Life is getting hectic.

You would think with 9 days until graduation, I would be living the easy life. No. I am not. My medical school has this class preparing us for our intern year. That would be one thing, learning about different things I will encounter (aka be called "doctor" and expected to do something for). The worst part is, there is an exam 4 days before graduation. So, I am studying. For the first time since August 2014, I have to study. Puh-lease.

On top of that, the job that Danny got us is great. I get to work with children and, most importantly, I get to make money. The problem? Makin' that paper and doing all this classwork/studying for this exam.

Then, there is figuring out moving costs (should we get professional movers or professional helpers aka "muscle men" to move all our stuff), getting all my stuff done for residency (completing training for the electronic medical record, sending health info, doing fingerprinting for the VA, et cetera), and actually graduating (with all the stress that involves of having family and friends and hosting everyone well), I'm kind of supernotrelaxed as I head in to my final week of medical school.

How is this my life?

Day 3247: A Lesson in Mitigated Expectations

To elaborate more on this post, I wanted to talk about expectations.

As I mentioned here, 80% of US seniors match in their top 3. I have no problem admitting that I was in the minority of matching US seniors. I truly, sincerely am happy about heading to Baltimore. I really loved the program leadership and the city when I was out there for my interview. And it's so stinkin' close to all of my East Coast friends...what a blessing! And I get to live in a bigger city again! So. Many. Pluses.

However, the title of this post should hint at what I am about to say. Despite my best efforts, I still wasn't ready for the email telling me where I was going to be for the next four years. I was preparing myself for my top 3, but I, of course, wanted my #1 program. No matter how many times I told myself (and it was a lot), "the Match will place me where I am supposed to be," I really wanted to go where I wanted to go.

Everyone tells you that once you get an interview, you are set. At that point, it is about making sure you and the program "fit." How arbitrary. Fit. What does that even mean? Like a glove? As in religious beliefs? I mean, it's so subjective. And impossible to have occur. I, personally, fit best with one program, out of the fifteen I interviewed at. The rest of the programs, I felt, I would fit fine. I would probably find people I liked and they would probably be my friends for that point in my life. But there was only one program where I thought, Wow. I could actually be friends with these people. By choice and not by circumstance. Speaking to others, it sounds like most people were in the latter boat. They fit in fine enough and would be happy enough going to a number of programs.

And let me tell you something, "fit" is not the only component. They do care about board scores. And clinical grades. And letters of recommendation. It isn't enough for them to interview you and like you. They probably like most of the people they interview. So, how do they choose? Well, probably on all those other factors that I just mentioned.

I am not trying to dishearten anyone about the process. I think, for the most part, this was a competitive year to match. I know several people who did not get their top 3, which is always a shock. But, I want to impart the importance of mitigating your expectations. Because, for me, I will never understand how I ended up in the Baltimore. It took me the majority of last week to stop myself from second-guessing everything that happened on the trail -- from my clothes, to what I said for this interview question, and how I interacted with that resident, and so on and so forth -- and to stop comparing myself to my classmates who were fortunate enough to match at their top choice. And, you know what, it's okay that I will never understand. Because, the Match placed me where I am supposed to be. And even though I'm not sure what that reason is, just yet, I know the University of Maryland will train me to be the best internal medicine-pediatrics physician I can be.

Day 3244: A week after Match

You would think that I would blog rightaway when I found out where I matched? Because I am sure you are all dying to know where I ended up. Well, most of you texted/contacted me, which I greatly appreciated. For those that didn't, I am pleased to tell you all that I am off to the University of Maryland for my internal medicine-pediatrics residency!

It was quite unexpected, but, as James Michener says, "We are never prepared for what we expect." So, to receive such unexpected news, was, well, surprising. It took me most of Friday, and the subsequent weekend, to process the news.

Overall, I am thrilled to be matched in to a residency I wanted (I can't say that for several medical students I know :\) and in a new city! I forget how close everything is on the east coast! DC, one hour away! Philadelphia, 2 hours away! New York City (my love!), 3 hours away! For all my east coast loves, we will be reunited soon, and often!

Anyway, thank you all for your kind thoughts and well wishes. I apologize for keeping some of you waiting, but I can't thank each of you enough for your support.

I AM GOING TO BE A DOCTOR. HOLY. COW.

Day 3234: Oh happy St. Patrick's day!

So, I'm -100% Irish. Yes, that is a negative sign before the 100.

Today's happiness is to inform you all that I have matched! What does that mean, you ask? It means I have a job come July 1st! Do I know where? No, of course not. The medical community likes to have incoming doctors sweat, squirming in nervousness.

Congratulations!  You have matched!

This is all I got in my email on Monday. How anti-climactic right?

Until Friday!

(AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH) 

Day 3227: Ups and Downs

Hey all, I am writing today to discuss the ups and downs of the Match.

I am, as we all know, a little emotionally unstable (read: a lot unstable). My moods go crazy in times of stress and the Match is about as stressful a time as any. Everyday I waver between "I would be thrilled to be at any of my top three programs" and "I am not going to get my first choice and I don't know how I feel about actually getting my top three." And then there are the other thoughts like, "WHAT IF I DON'T MATCH?" "WHAT IF I DON'T GET MY TOP THREE?" "WHAT IF NOBODY LOVES ME?" The last one isn't necessarily Match-specific, but it's still applicable to the Match, haha.

Anyway, most days, I'm fine. Most days, I can talk myself in to being calm about the process. I remind myself that the Match places me where I am supposed to be. It doesn't feel like that sometimes, but I know that it's true. I just have to remember that it's true. But some days, Danny and I fight because I am so up-and-down and he doesn't know why I am suddenly depressed as all get out and we fight and we're always fine in the end but it's all due to me and my emotional instability.

Just wanted to keep you all apprised on my current emotional state. Level orange. Unstable.

Day 3223: A Match Day Nightmare

I woke up in a tizzy early this morning after having a nightmare about Match Day. It wasn't anything awful, like the horror and stress of not matching; in my dream/nightmare, I got my fourth-ranked residency program. Which, hello, is excellent. I would be a well-trained med-peds doc if I went to my #4 choice. But the idea of not getting into one of my top three programs, which 80.8% of US Seniors get, was clearly distressing if I consider #4 to be a nightmare.

I just can't wait for all of this ignorance to be over so that I can start planning the next phase of my life. 

Day 3145: Reflection

As I descend into Chicago, after my final interview for 2014, lucky number 14, I have realized a few things about the interview trail and myself. If you're interested to find out what they are, clickity click click.

The program director at my final December interview noted I had participated in Student Assembly and Wisconsin Medical Society. He asked "do  you see yourself as a burgeoning (or related word) leader?" That really surprised me. Truthfully, I participated in these extracurricular activities (initially) to plump up my CV. But of course I wasn't going to say that. What I said was, I believe that every person has a voice. And being the loud, outspoken individual I am, I think it is extremely important to speak and be heard. Then I related it to telling your high school crush you liked them and how freeing that feels, no matter the outcome of that confession. The more I kept spouting words, I realized they were actually true. I would love to be a voice for people. And I think I can do it. I just have to figure out what I want to talk about and how I can make people listen and, more importantly, act.

Anyway, this interview cycle has been exhausting. I was pretty much done interviewing after number two, so I went on 12 more interviews, which is a totally sane and normal thing to do when you are pooped from pimping yourself out to programs (half true, half false). The interview trail has shown me, 1) I know my CV, 2) I've actually done a thing or two, 3) I am quite desirable and splendid.

While I take the next six weeks to figure out where the heck I want to end up come July 1st, I also plan to write several posts on surviving interview season. I figure I might as well get some good Google search keywords in these posts to boost my online persona. Shameless self-promotion. Is anyone shocked?

Thanks to each and every one of you reading for being a huge part of this process. From letting me crash in your bed or on your couch, to reading my posts that come too far and too between, thank you. Thank you. 

Day 3082: Interview offers & a rejection

Hey all!

My schedule of "self-study" on my new rotation has me lacking in things to tell you. Oh, I mean, I guess I have interviews, but school-wise, nothing to report.

So. INTERVIEWS. I got my first one September 19th and I nearly collapsed from joy. As an extremely average test-taker, I was worried as all get out that I would not get a single interview. Never mind my excellent clinical grades and my advisor telling me I am "such a strong candidate." Never mind all those things. I am clearly too in my head to believe what anyone else tells me and I was deathly afraid I was going to be one of the sad few who did not match come March and had to participate in the ever unwanted Scramble (now called SOAP). FYI, the Scramble occurs the week of the Match. You are informed Monday of that week that you did not match at a residency program and your week is comprised of scrambling (hence the name) for a program with an open spot who will accept you for the year while you figure your ish out. Anyway, back to my inner dialogue. So, since September 19th, I have had a steady roll of interview offers and I could not be more thrilled/overjoyed/shocked.

Today, October 10th, I have had 17 interview offers. I am happy with the mix of programs I have so far, and all I can say is, keep 'em coming! I want to see as many places as financially and temporally possible. It is amazing how quickly November and December (my vacation months aka interview months) fill up when you take in to consideration no one interviews applicants the week of Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year's. I am interviewing all over -- lots of Midwest programs, a couple on the East Coast, a couple in the South and a couple on the West Coast. I can't name names to protect myself and the programs, but I will be so very happy to share with you all where I end up come March 20, 2015!

Last but not least, I received an interview from a program this evening telling me I was rejected. You know what program? I don't want to go to your program anyway. Hmph! Surprise, I am smart enough to figure out that if you do not contact me, you do not want to interview me and I am therefore rejected. You don't need to get my hopes up with an email, only to have them doused in a torrential downpour of rejection. K? THX...NOT.

Ha, bitterness is not a quality I like to demonstrate, and truthfully, I'm not all that bitter. This is my first rejection of the season and it wasn't pleasant. I wasn't dying to go to this program anyway, but I did not appreciate being told that I am not "worthy" of your program. On to next week where more programs will hopefully be sending me offers and I can start to pick and choose! :)

Day 3075: Thank You

While looking for my passport today, I came across all these cards you all have sent me over the years. I can't thank each of you enough for all the support and love you have given me, but I'm sure going to try in the coming months. Here is just a tiny sample of all the love I have received in my 3+ years in Wisconsin.

Day 3072: A Lesson in Humility (also known as Pure Embarrassment)

I fainted today. In the operating room of all places.

Rewind.

I got pretty wicked sick Sunday afternoon/evening. I had a sore throat, was coughing, had body aches, and an unpleasantly painful headache. I asked for yesterday/Monday off, and I spent most of the day asleep and horizontal. I consumed two cans of chicken soup, two servings of multigrain Cheerios with almond milk, and I drank gobs of hot water+lemon+honey.

Today.

I awoke this morning, ready to go to the operating room since clinic did not sound appetizing to me. Well, I ate breakfast (multigrain Cheerios and almond milk) minutes before the case and within 30 minutes of standing there, I think three things. 1) I am really sweaty. 2) Good, sweat all this sickness out of me. 3) I have not stood this long in 36 hours. Fifteen minutes later, whilst standing over this 7-month-old, I turned to the surgical tech and asked her to retract the organ for me because I was feeling light-headed.

Next thing I know, I am dreaming about something. I open my eyes and see surgical techs, nurses, and anesthesiologists looming over me. My pediatric urologist attending is pumping my legs trying to get blood flowing to my brain. Hospital staff are ripping my gown off me because I am a sweaty mess. A damp towel is placed on my forehead. I am blinking over and over. I finally speak and the first words out of my mouth are, "I'm sorry." I was so embarrassed! "I'm sorry...I know better...I'm so sorry." They help me sit up on a roll-y chair, they hand me apple juice, and I am subsequently rolled out of the OR while my attending re-scrubs back in to the case and I am apologizing profusely as the door closes on my damp, embarrassed frame.

What a way to end my surgical sub-I!

Day 3067: WOO-HOOOOOOO

I HAVE PASSED ALL OF MY BOARD EXAMS AND I AM ACTUALLY ON TRACK TO BE A DOCTOR AS THIS BLOG IS TITLED.

Sorry for shouting. I almost peed my pants from joy!

Background, my second computer-based, 9-hour exam went ...okay. I had done so many questions, had repeated 1000 questions, and was so far removed from new questions that I honestly had no idea how I did on that exam. So, to have passed, and to have improved at least ten points (as most people do between Step 1 and Step 2), I could not be more pleased.

Here's to this crazy path coming closer to fruition!

Day 3052: Medicine sub-I reflections

I had my medicine sub-internship (aka sub-I) in August. As mentioned, this is where I played actual doctor all month. I would see patients on my own, come up with my own plans, and then I would go through admission orders and whatnot with my senior resident since I didn't have access to any of the important stuff. The hours were long! I got there at 7am every morning (sometimes earlier) and stayed until 5pm at the earliest. I went 12 days between days off. I worked four 28-hour shifts. I lost track of time...a lot.

I think the biggest part of surviving the clinical years of medical school is the people you work with. I had the best medicine team. Initially, I was worried. One of the interns went to medical school here and I was never the biggest fan of him. He was a pretty cocky guy and love-love-loved to pimp other students. I was sure he was going to show me how smart he was, all the damn time. He kind of did that, but he was mainly a fun(ny) guy who enjoyed picking on me. Then, my other intern, was frickin' hilarious. We have similar senses of humor so we were giving each other a hard time and griping on aggravating patients, staff, etc. The two interns together just riffed off each other like crazy. Whenever the two of them were together, I was sure to lose points. (We had a point system to create some team camaraderie and one week in to the month, it built camaraderie by having everyone take points away from me.)

Then, there was my senior. I love him. He is so smart, and such a great educator. He really gauged my knowledge daily and took the time out of his day to teach me something. He has this wonderful personality that just calms the room. Have you ever met people like that? Smart, composed and calming. Their presence only enhances those around them to elevate everyone to their level. He is such a great guy and I am so happy to call him a friend.

Overall, working 27 days in a hospital, despite the long hours, was extremely rewarding. This past month continued to solidify my decision to pursue med-peds. The breadth of knowledge required to be a kick-ass doctor is daunting, but also exhilarating. I love the idea that I will be able to take care of any patient who walks through my door. From the 9-year-old who had a stroke to the 54-year-old suffering from a congenital disease, I'll be ready.

Day 3047: This is absurd.

I am referring to my inability to post when my life has actually entered a place of no exams! To explain, I was studying for my boards in July (with visits from my sister and to see my old college roommate in Houston). I was on my medicine sub-internship in August. What that entails is working like an intern (aka newbie doctor) without an MD so I can't actually kill people haha. None of these reasons should make my voicelessness okay. So (Jess!) I hope to post at least once every two or three days for the foreseeable future!

Anyway, boards are over! Phew! We will see how everything went in the next few weeks. My medicine team last month was just to die for. My senior resident and I were like two peas in a pod. My interns were like the two knucklehead brothers I never had. We had great junior medical students. All in all, it was a really lovely month of working my butt off and learning a lot.

This is just a teaser, I promise. I plan to write more in-depth entries of my medicine sub-I and post pictures of my visits/trips!

Until then!

Day 2985: A year and a reflection

One year ago today, I started my first-ever 24-hour shift. I was young and bright and so excited to finally be in the hospital. It was a long night, filled with lots of coffee and scrub-wearing, but I survived. 7am July 4th 2013 arrived and I chatted with my friends who were on for that shift about how my night went.

Friends: How did it go last night?
Me: Good! I delivered a baby!
Friends: Seriously?!
Me: Yes! It was crazy! And slippery! Okay, I'm exhausted. Have a good shift you two!

I went home that morning, slept until 11am, and tried to bake this for July 4th festivities. It failed and I burst in to tears. Clearly sleep deprivation made my emotions even more labile.

That would be the first of various 24-hour-calls, night shifts, and 6-7 day work-weeks. In a journey that has brought out a great deal of shouting, screaming, crying, and doubting, this past year has provided me with solace from all the dubiousness. I feel at home conversing with patients, wearing the short white coat, playing the role of doctor. It is equally frightening and exhilarating to realize that in less than one year (315 days to be exact), I will no longer be playing a role. I will actually be a doctor. This past year has shown me that I am capable of being one. I have a considerable amount of knowledge to acquire, but that's why there is residency. Some real responsibility with some much needed supervision and even more education.

I look forward to my final year of medical school. It is a year of no exams (except my pesky final two board exams), learning for the sake of learning, and a lot of practice at "playing doctor." I will keep you all posted, as always.

And, I can only express my deepest gratitude for your support these past three years (and earlier for most/all of you). It has done more for me than I could ever properly put in to words. I hope to show you all that gratitude in the coming months.

All my love!

Day 2979: I made it!

I took my final Shelf exam of my medical school career today! And it was...fine. Ha! Aren't they always? Who cares? It's over and I am 322 days away from commencement and the coveted MD!

I hope to will make a post in the near future reflecting on this past academic year. Until then -- off to watch some TV, work on some personal statements, and relish my few days off before I start studying for my final two board exams of medical school! Ahhhh! The future is now!

Day 2974: BFFs & one week left!

Can you believe in less than one week, I will officially be a fourth year medical student? I am an "Em-Duh" -- get it? Three-fourths of my way to an "Em-Dee"!

One of my closest friends Tiff came to visit this weekend and it was sheer and utter perfection. I really needed to see her after some drama that occurred the weekend before. She is such a calming presence and this weekend confirmed a) our similarities, b) her absolutely amazing self, and c) how much I miss her in my everyday life. It is both a blessing and curse when friends from different aspects of my life come to visit. Blessing-wise, I am reminded how loved I am and how I have found some truly awe-inspiring people who honor me with their friendship. Curse-wise, it reminds me how difficult it has been for me to find these people (see here, excluding D of course) in one of the more critical periods of my life. Medical school has been a mental and personal struggle (with the occasional triumph) and connecting with others who have experienced it has been a surprisingly arduous undertaking. I was beyond elated to spend this time with Tiff and I hope (desperately) that I can see her soon and more regularly.

Anyway, pictures to come of her visit/our lovefest. (I need her to sign the release form ;P)

Day 2961: It's all good.

Hey y'all,

Thank you to those who reached out to me regarding my previous post. I am fine. I'm sorry it made you all sad too. It's just strange to me that I have been able to make life-long friends in every aspect of my life (high school, college, post-baccalaureate studies) and yet I cannot seem to make a single G-D friend in medical school. I might have one -- the misogynist. But, as Danny pointed out, this is all up in the air. I may surprise myself with who I keep in touch with. I may actually keep in touch with people. Instead of getting down in the dumps about it (as is my M.O.), he recommends being more open-minded about it. I am trying, but it's much easier to be a Debbie Downer than it is to be Miss I-Love-Life.

I had my first real day of pediatric clinic today and I really enjoyed myself. I saw patients by myself, wrote notes, diagnosed some people. It was a good day. I told an anesthesiologist I met today that I wanted to do med-peds and he was very supportive. It made me feel good to know that in spite of the varied opinions I get from attendings regarding my decision to pursue med-peds, I think it's the right one for me. Now, to ensure that D and I end up in the same place. Battle numero dos.

Day 2955: These people

My classmate and budding friend Brian said something somewhat depressing this past Sunday. He pointed out that, after all of this (me: gesticulating at medical school and books and studying), he probably would not keep in touch with any of his "friends" beyond graduation.

When I probed him further, his reasoning made sense. This sort of atmosphere doesn't really foster life-long relationships. Don't get me wrong, I have met several residents who endorse meeting best friends from medical school. Maybe Brian and I are the weird ones. He has more friends, more gatherings to attend than I, but it was both heartening and disheartening to hear that these friends aren't real. They are not substantive. They are...present more than anything else. It's people to hang out with and spend time with, but there is nothing deeper happening behind the scenes. There isn't sharing of fears or dreams or any of that touchy feely stuff. It's more superficial -- what did you think of that exam? How is your rotation going? Anything going on this weekend?

That night, I became extremely dejected. I would maybe, truthfully, speak to one classmate after medical school. And, to be honest, he's kind of a misogynist and calls me "chinky." (I know, I sure know how to pick 'em.) But, with all the numbers in my phone, I would feel grateful to text one or two people a month to check in and see how they are doing. It's just sad to think that after four years of blood, sweat, and tears, none of it was bond-forming. I see others in my class, who will most likely keep in touch with several people after all of this, and sometimes I wonder, is there something wrong with me? I'm sure there is, but apparently I can't be bothered to investigate further. I just keep trying to make these connections that end up flailing, which leads Danny to consoling me after my umpteenth attempt at finding a lasting friendship out of these people.

When did these people become only that? "These people." No names, no faces, just a sea of people I will probably never see again.

Day 2940: Welcome to night float.

Today (now) begins my week of nights. 5pm to 7am. We are the cross-cover team, which means we manage everyone's patients during the day ... but at night. Basically, we make sure no one dies overnight. Heavy stuff.

I will be up close and personal with my intern, who, honestly, I am not the biggest fan of. It's fine, because we work fine together. She just doesn't know I abhor her very existence. But really. This is fine. Work, like life, is like a box of chocolates -- you never what you're going to get. So, since you bit in to the gross chocolate, you better eat it all up because it's wasteful. So, clearly this analogy translated well to humans and teamwork, haha.

Anyway, keeping you all apprised. Talk soon.

Day 2928: Life is not ideal.

Sometimes you stay later than you should, or have too much to do when you need more time, or have too little to do when time is the last thing you want to have. I have been trying, every day, to acknowledge this stress, anger, sadness, disappointment, whatever it may be that day and recognize it is okay to feel this way. Life is not ideal. I am never going to get everything I want. Nor should I. Getting everything you want makes you that person. The spoiled one. The one who throws money at problems and actually "fixes" them. It's the struggles and hard times that make life worthwhile. You learn more about life, and more importantly, you learn more about yourself.

So, here's to emotions. To the stress of having to do well on boards in two months. To my anger about situations and people I cannot control. To the sadness of important (or what I thought was important) relationships changing, ending even. To disappointment in people that should never let you down. Whatever it is, I am reveling in the emotion and letting it go. I am a naturally angry person and I don't want to be that way anymore. I'm still going to be the snarky, judgmental woman who has no filter that you all love and adore. But I'm not going to be so angry, so vitriolic, so hateful. It's not a good place to be and I can't love all of me if I'm finding a way to hate you.