Day 345: I thought I blogged but...

...I guess not. I'm taking a quick break from studying to check my e-mail and finish up some online homework.

Anyhoo, I have my last Organic exam (before the final) tomorrow and I'm going to ace it. I'm studying my butt off and I'm going to rock it out.

The budget cuts across California have affected my future schooling. What this means is that I intended to continue my postbacc work in Cali (taking advanced science courses) but I can't because no schools are accepting students. And, because I dropped the ball, I am applying too late for the fall quarter. I don't know what to do.

(Copyright: ArvinComics)

I only need to take one more requirement (General Biology II) but I really wanted to take Biochemistry. Also, if I'm not taking classes, med schools will think I was being a lazy bum during the glide year/application year. It's just a lot of crappy economics happening at the moment. I've got people I need to call at SFSU, SJSU, etc today to get some 411.

Aside from that, school's about over (Cinco de Mayo is the last day!). Then I have finals. Goody.

Day 339: The end is near!

I remember last semester and how I couldn't wait to go home. That same feeling is here but it's not as prevalent as it was last semester. I think it a lot of factors are at play, the main ones being: last semester I was breaking up with all of my friends, this semester I'm so overloaded with stuff to do that I don't really have time to think about home. I think about home all the time, of course, I just don't think about me at home. I have many loose ends to tie up here in G'boro so I need to get those sorted out.

Anyway, I held a "big" SIP session today and 20 or so kids came. It was great. It's a nice 80-degree Friday and they stayed to get their chemistry knowledge straight. I really appreciated it. And this kid I think is SO cute came and he loves me so we're good ;P

Physio quiz next Monday, Organic exam (last one!) on Friday. Lots of learning in between. I'm watching some "Office" and "Bones" now and then it's onto a whole lotta review.

Day 337: So many things!

Tuesday was the end...of Physiology...lab. It was a metabolic rate lab and that was interesting. I actually have a slightly low body fat percentage...which is interesting. Have you seen me? I'm not really "slightly below". haha, mainly due to the amount of food I intake. ...which is enough for an elephant. ...or a pack of lions.

Anyway, fun facts about el cuerpo:

• As you all know, when your pee is yellow, it means you are dehydrated and your body is retaining water -- fun fact, I now know why that happens
• Women should have about a 22% body fat (that is a healthy body fat percentage)
• Women who have abs actually go below that 22% (crazy! Now it's "okay" that I don't have abs ;P)

There are more facts but I have so much to tell you all!

The main bit is that today's Physics test (the 4th out of 5 tests) was terrible. Granted, I personally thought it was as hard as our previous tests. However, it was so bad that our professor sent us this today...

Today's test was too difficult, and that is my fault. I feel that you all deserve an apology from me for having that test, and I am sorry for not being more careful with writing the test. The test will be graded and curved, but I'm not sure that a curve will be enough to fix the problem. Most likely this test will be weighted significantly less than the other tests in the semester. I'll discuss all this in more detail in class on Friday, but at least don't spend the next two days worried about your performance on today's test.

Again, my apologies for that test, in hindsight it was not really appropriate for this class.

Crazy right? And the more that I think about the exam, I realize that I completely bombed it. And not Jessica-bombed it, but hardcore, regular ol' person, bombed it. I completely missed the second problem solving question. Missed meaning zero. ZERO. I don't get zero. I at least get partial credit. So yeah. It was a good thing I was so darn busy today because if I had real time to process that exam...I probably would have freaked out. Bad.

At this point, I've got bigger fish to fry so I'm going to watch some TV now and then do some Organic and more physics and physio review soon.

Just wanted to keep you all posted.

Thus far/today, Jessica is sane. Yay!

Day 333: Revelations and some good (and not-so-good) things

After many talks with ma mere, we have come to a conclusion. I think way too much. I've been getting ridiculously overwhelmed lately because I start one task, and then realize all these other things I have to do, and then I can't focus on the task I'm doing and just start getting frustrated. Hence Day 330's new plan, which is to take everything one day at a time.

To build on that, I'm taking every single thing at a time. Task, minute, thought, and just focusing on being present because who knows where I am anymore. The past, the future, the fourth dimension...anywhere.

So the good things are:

• a little R&R courtesy of the 'rents
• a regular SIP attendee cried after getting her exam back. She proceeded to thank me (even though she's the one that got the A and not me). It was very sweet.
• school is over in three weeks!
• best friends who let you call them and use up all their minutes (while you're hysterical)
• a birthday surprise that went off with only a few minor glitches (Cheesecake Factory surprise and yummy in my tummy)

Not so good things:

• exams galore in the next three weeks (including finals)
• overwhelming myself
• my SIP professor (for Chem 1) is pissing the heck out of me

Day 330: New game plan

Take it one day at a time.

Day 329: More downs than ups

To further worrying the few of you that care, I am completely miserable.

I got my exams (all of them -- Physiology, Organic and Physics) back on Monday and I was sorely disappointed. I'm back in the Physiology game (sweet, I thought, maybe the day will go well). I got a terrible grade in Organic, as expected, but it didn't hurt any less. Or make me think I was any less of a complete failure. And then my Physics grade was not a strong A, but another wishy-washy A/B. I can't win.

I keep thinking something good has to come my way because I keep feeling like a pile of crap and nothing comes. I can't keep hoping for things that won't happen. I don't know what else to do though. I'm completely and utterly unmotivated. I'm convinced that I'm not good enough for anything -- people, school, science, anything. And at the exact moment that I'm typing all of this, I'm crying out of sheer desperation. I'm not feeling better or relieved to get it out. I just feel like a big disappointment. ...to all of you. I'm starting to hyperventilate. Which is a sign of emotions controlling my central breath pattern generator in my brain stem. I'm losing feeling in my hands from the lack of carbon dioxide.

I'm tired. And unmotivated. And going to fail out of school.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow and pretend like everything's fine. Everything's not fine. I think I'm slowly dying inside. I'm completely overwhelmed by the prospect of more exams and finals and the MCAT. I'm completely disappointed that my parents don't think I'll do well on the MCAT. And I'm just really unhappy and alone.

To top it off, I don't fit into the clothes I bought online. I ordered new clothes. Only to send them home instead of here. I can't do anything right.

Hopefully I'll stop complaining on this thing sooner rather than later. (Sadly, even my simplest hopes get dashed and I'm left a sobbing wreck.)

Day 325: Fun facts and general randomness

I received a free perfume sample and decided to read the ingredients/make-up of it and I was terribly amused.

It's all made up of crazy compounds no one understands...but I do! It's weird to think that scent can be synthetically produced. And that I could potentially create it. Potentially being the key word. If anything, I know the chemistry behind it.

Anyway, we're learning about the kidneys in Physiology. Next week's lab correlates. It's actually pretty funny. We're going to pee throughout lab, collect our own urine and analyze it.

I'm totally not kidding. I'm going to smell like pee all day. I'll be sure to blog about it afterwards.

Funny story about this lab though. One week last semester, I remember seeing a ton of girls in the bathroom peeing into cups. I was completely dumbfounded. I sincerely thought drug-testing was going on in the school (and in the New Science building of all places) and it was all just extremely amusing to learn (after the fact) that girls were peeing for lab. Oh man. This is going to be so good.

P.S. It's storming today. And all I ever think about when it rains is my dad telling me how much he loves the rain. Well, I love my dad so I guess I love the rain too.